That THING in My Head!

I call myself Éjire. I am a bright single woman. Brightness wasn’t thrust on me though; I have my parents and my background to thank for it. All my life, I have been told to be good and to do things in a certain way – the right way; to love God since He’s really all I’ve got. I was warned not to steal nor tell lies; I was asked to work hard and be diligent in all that I do. I was told to respect elders; to be confident… they said that the sky is my limit. I was told many things… many of which have stayed with me. However, there’s one thing they didn’t mention… they didn’t tell me that not everyone is raised this way. They didn’t tell me that people can be terrible – or that the world can be a truly wicked place. They didn’t tell me that not everyone has been taught to always do the right thing. They didn’t tell me that good people (good men) are hard to come by. So, I find myself in a dilemma. Many times, I feel like Ave Maria amongst wolves… that’s me in the world I find myself today.

Some say that I am deluded and choosy. Deluded? No! Choosy? Oh Yes!! I am choosy. I want to marry a man that has been raised almost like me or preferably better than me – with the same kind of values. Does he exist? That honest, kind hearted, loving, hardworking, respectful, responsible, diligent, God fearing man. Are there any of them left? So, this THING in my head tells me to settle for that man I spoke with yesterday evening. After all, he is a man… and he could change with time or rather, I might just get used to his many flaws. That same THING reminds me that I have no more time on my side. It tells me that the clock is ticking! It also tells me that the man I pray for does not exist. It tells me that I’m not that great after all, just deluded, therefore I have no right to want a great man. It says to me that the world and everything in it is bad so I should just join the band wagon (go with the flow, it says). At a point, when I feel that I have heard enough, I break free from its gibberish and I scream – NOOO! Although I don’t scream it out loud so that I don’t frighten the neighbours, but I do it anyway, I scream it with all the strength that I have, and with every ounce of my being. At that moment, I ask myself this question, “What is the worst that can happen if this THING is right? Would it kill me if I remain a Miss even at 40?” And my answer, …

Single woman, we have this fear of being alone. We can’t imagine spending the rest of our lives without that man… The moment the clock starts to tick like its ticking right now, we tell ourselves that there is no more time to waste… so, we jump right into marriage as soon as the next fool comes along. It’s no one’s fault, it’s THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE – the fear of ending up all alone. THINGS run through our minds such as – What if I never get married? What if they are right… that my standards are waaay too high? What if my beauty truly fades with time and then no man finds me attractive enough to want me anymore? What if this decent man I want to marry never comes my way? What if I grow too old to have children? What if… What if?

You see, the guys are very aware that this fear exists and they take advantage of it… all the time! Just like they’re doing it right this moment. Single woman, get rid of that THING in your head! You are fearfully and wonderfully made – everyone of you. Your body and soul are beautiful. As for me, since I am thoroughly aware of my “brightness” and beauty, I can’t afford to give myself to just any man. I just can’t get myself to do it. So, I’ll continue to wait for a good man to come my way. In this instance, there’s only this one plan which serves as my plan A to Z. While waiting, I kick my fear of being alone to the curve. I stand tall. I celebrate my single womanhood and I pray about it (just like I pray about everything else) and I know that man – my very own man – will come. Someday… soon.

Writer – Ejire

Photo – gettyimages