Highlights
You Ask, They Answer: Is It Rude To Give Your Broke Friend Used Clothes She Didn’t Ask For?
Question From a Reader;
My friend and her husband who were doing really well before, have been having a rough time financially for some months and she has had to cut down on a lot of her expenses just to stay out of debt until things get better. They still manage to keep their home together and go about their normal activities and she doesn’t go around complaining about it.
I noticed that she has started shopping from cheap shops that she would normally not go to before for herself and the kids. I know we all like quality things, so I figured that it must be killing her inside that she and her kids now wear inferior things. I called the attention of our other friends to it and we decided to gather some of our children’s high quality used clothes and toys to give her. Some of us also contributed some clothing items for her too (some used, some new but all really nice and expensive things).
We went to their house with excitement and presented them with the gifts but we were really disappointed at their reaction, they didn’t seem to be excited about it, the husband left after some minutes and didn’t come out of the room till we left. We haven’t seen any of those items on her or her kids. We all concluded that they are just being too proud for their own good, but every time I see her, I always think maybe there was an element of rudeness in what we did. I really don’t know.
Answers From ;
Shola: When people are going through a rough time, the best way to help them is to be there for them the way they want you to be. The only way to know that is by asking. For all you know what she really needs may be for you to help her with the school runs when she is out chasing a job! It is always good to ask first, but hey! you did what you thought was good, stop beating yourself about it.
Chioma: I don’t think you guys were rude, I think she is a very proud person that doesn’t want to accept the fact that she doesn’t have money anymore. A beggar has no choice, she needs to learn how to swallow her pride and accept things from people, she needs it.
Dee: What type of friendship have you all shared with her before and after her financial crisis and how genuinely concerned have you all been to her before the donation? These things matter. I won’t have a problem taking these stuff from a good friend that I know will always have my back, but I will not appreciate it if it comes from someone that is not that close to me. I think taking clothes from people is a really intimate thing, and except I am in a do or die situation, which she clearly wasn’t, I won’t be so excited about it too.
Tosin: Sometimes we are so fast to throw pity parties for people because it makes us feel good about ourselves, perhaps making her a charity case makes you feel good about yourself and she saw right through it. Some people will rather wear their cheap stuff with their heads up high while they work hard to get what they want than to wear used expensive clothes from friends and be made a laughing stock forever. Everyone is entitled to some self pride.
What do you think?
<—— Thanks for reading , please share before you go
Israel Gold AjalaJan 16, 2013 at 9:13 am
When it comes to clothes and women, sensitivity is key, prior to giving someone something the person has not asked for , make very tactful enquiries about the persons needs and try and inquire as to what the persons true feelings are about offering to be kind , try and establish what their thoughts are about such kind gestures before acting, make sure you know they would not misinterprete you very negatively, some people would be very pleased to receive used clothes they have not asked for when they are broke but others may misinterprete your gesture very negatively with far reaching consequences as spitting on the face of the give figuratively, some people are really very proud , while some are very sensitive and self-sufficient, while some people are humble, open-minded and graceful, make sure you know who you are dealing with and how they feel about your act and motive behind the act before you act.
Tolu AiredeJan 16, 2013 at 11:24 am
I agree so much with Tosin, it seem to me like a pity party. This family are not proud people, the phrase a begger has no choice is condescending. I personnally would cut back on my lifestyle if it keeps me afloat than rely on other people! They are not too proud to wear cheap clothes and how are you so sure it's killing her inside? Besides if I where in financial difficulty, the last thing I'd worry about are designer/high quality clothes because it's simply vanity.
Also the way you all went to their house and presented them with the gift was so much like they are a charity case (like a visit to the orphanage).
Did you ask her how they are getting on? what they really need help with? Imagine if the school fees where due or the rent? and you guys showed up with clothes and toys.
Giving money is always the way to go in such situations, the recipient can then use it to meet their more pressing need.
Sometimes its good to be anonymous when giving it shows sensitivity, God sees all and will reward you.
TunbosunJan 17, 2013 at 8:45 am
I find this very personal.
Giving is a very personal thing and it is of the mind. It was a great idea you told your circle of friend about your friends but you erred in the process of giving:
one: You had insiders information about your friends predicament, and instead of asking her.. you asked others. in situations like this, she doesnt really need anything from you guys cos you confirm they are getting by, it was just the excesses they lacked.
two: Giving is too personal to go in a train, and i love how the husband reacted… He is a real man, how about he walks you out? You weren’t going to a motherless home na, so you all stylishly dressed, knocks on the door and says yaaaa.. we know you need this, so we got it for you, because we have the money and you don’t. Life isnt like that.
In my experience, people like to recieve but they want to know the truth, whats your motive for giving? what conditions are the items? and they adore confidentiality… cos they are going to wear it like they bought it, so a crowd knowledge defects that.
Pls call your friend and apologize and dont ask about those clothes or anything at all you gave to her. Instead just show her you are a good friend that has her back and going by men, you will have a lot of work to do to get that family back.
LohiJan 17, 2013 at 9:06 pm
I agree with Dee. it depends on the kind of relationship I ahve with these friends. If its my close friend, sure… if not. Nah.
John GoldJan 18, 2013 at 10:33 am
you guys did the right thing, but the approach was very wrong, its like doing the right thing at the wrong time, your friend attitude by not putting on any of the used clothes doesn't mean they are proud, after all, its not like they are so desperate and couldn't afford buying clothes. being there for them, discussing issues as friends and knowing there needs at that particular time we go along way than just donating used clothes that they rarely don't need. Everyone has a self pride….it means humility.
them
Seun AdegbayibiJan 21, 2013 at 9:55 am
What you people did, wasn’t wrong but one has to be careful, you should have given her money rather. I agree with what tunbosun said