All The Single Ladies!
Thank God I Am Not Witch!
Like many of us, I have been in a few not-so-good relationships. If there have been only a few, I’m sure you will wonder how I know this much about “evil” men and sour relationships. I guess my knowledge isn’t solely hinged on the number of relationships that I have enjoyed / endured, nor can it be completely attributed to the lifespan of each of these relationships, but the lessons from every one of them.
I must admit that I have learnt much more about men and relationships through the experiences of my many friends. Yes, I have zillions of them – okay I lie, just lots of them. I have watched many of my girlfriends fall in and out of love. I have seen some of them heart-broken even though they gave all they knew how to give while each of these relationships lasted. My own past relationships and those of my friends make me wonder about the true nature of men – what do men really want? Now, each time I witness a friend at the altar with her man, I say to myself – “This is a miracle”!
Just recently, two of my friends experienced heartbreaks, all thanks to guys who supposedly loved them. One of them had been in a topsy-turvy relationship with this guy for many years. She thought that he was finally coming back to his senses when he told her just about a month ago that he was ready to “settle down”. He promised to visit her parents soon to make his intention known. My dear friend was super excited about this even when we chatted on yahoo messenger. Although I didn’t hear her speak, I felt her excitement in every word she typed to me that day. She had sacrificed sooo much for him and she believed that it was her pay-back time. I thought she deserved it too.
Last week, Romeo got married to someone else – for once he was being truthful about wanting to “settle down”, he just didn’t elaborate on who he wanted to settle down with. He wasn’t forthright enough to inform my unsuspecting friend that he was getting married to somebody else. I felt her pain; I still do. I know what it feels like to be screwed over – been there, bought the t-shirt!
I spoke to her earlier today – she’s obviously still hurting though she’s being very brave and hopeful just like she’s always been. By the time I was done talking to her, I felt a righteous rage and I started to imagine what life will be like if I was a Witch… yes, you have read me well – I mean a Full Blown Witch!
Assuming this role, I started to visualise how to witch-hunt all the guys who have ever dealt with me emotionally. Without them having to request it, I will render pro-bono services also to all my girlfriends who have been hurt. I’ll hound each guy who has ever hurt us intentionally and who isn’t sorry about it.
For instance, I’ll wake him up in the wee hours of the morning, eager to show him that I have plucked three of his front teeth never to give them back; I will follow him to his place of work and ensure he farts uncontrollably at important meetings; I’ll seize his THING (yup, that THING) and will give it back weeks after I have ensured that he is massively frustrated; if he is the materialistic type, I’ll ensure that each time he visits a place where he is keen on creating a positive impression of himself, I’ll ensure his clothes rip to shreds and off his body till he is butt naked and I’ll set his car on fire; I’ll make him grow boobs and a big butt – bigger than Ms. Ikebe Super’s; I’ll get him to drool uncontrollably in public; I’ll endow him with a nauseating body odour and will ensure that he sweats profusely even when its freezing cold; I’ll soften his voice so he’ll sound like a little girl while he is speaking; yes, I’ll do all these things and much more… just to get them all back for the evil they have done to us. I’ll deal with each one of them, one after the other, in the hope that they will learn a lesson or two. Maybe then they’ll be more considerate, love honestly and responsibly, tell the truth at all times… be real men and not jerks!
Fortunately for him and the rest of these guys, I cannot do all these “evil” things because I’m not a Witch and can never be. I’m already sold to JESUS! Plus, they aren’t worth the trouble. The truth is that there is no amount of evil I can do that can pay them back for all the hurt and pain they have caused. Single woman, a man who is truly yours will never leave you even when he is being chased away with a forklift. Something tells me that soon, I’ll be witnessing your “miracle” just like you’ll witness mine.
P.S. This is dedicated to my friend, I hope it makes you smile. You know who you are… love you lots.
Writer: Ejire
Photo Credit : Meg
Tagged aLL tHe SiNgLe LaDiEs!
Chioma IwunzeSep 21, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Hi Ejire, beautiful piece. i had a good laugh and i felt our friend’s pains too. You’ve said it all and it’s all been heard before. I sincerely love the freshness you brought to the story telling.
To all the ladies who have seen the worst from men, do not despair: everything good will come
JewelSep 21, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Thanks Ejire……for the humor….i couldn’t help but laugh. Thank God you are already sold to Jesus! Fine also that you know they aren’t worth the trouble….i’m certain God is fighting for us, he is dealing with them even though he wants us to live in forgiveness and peace…
gbemiSep 21, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Ah here I was thinking I was the only witch wannabe! These men (I’m married to one) can only be judged by God. We rest our case.
aderonkeSep 21, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Gr8 words….Infact i feel ur friend’s pain..I believe whatever is meant for her shall b hers,she doesn’t need to struggle n I believe God will grant her d desires of her heart.
bisolaSep 21, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Its indeed a nice Reminds me of what had happened in the past too,it hurts badly but thank God for Jesus that heal the wounds.Ladies should just keep being strong and know that Jesus can heal the wounds
bisolaSep 21, 2010 at 2:46 pm
indeed a nice piece u put there. Reminds me of what had happened in the past too,it hurts badly but thank God for Jesus that heal the wounds.Ladies should just keep being strong and know that Jesus can heal the wounds.
EfomoSep 21, 2010 at 2:56 pm
This is an awesome piece, very funny too nice one
ShanteeSep 21, 2010 at 3:42 pm
I knew it was going to crack me up and it didn’t fall short of that! lol…
Like you stated, any time I attend a wedding, I just marvel at how the BRIDE did it, cos seriously, it’s a MIRACLE!!
Thank God for Jesus, and the sweet consolation we have in His words… surely, all things work together for our good. And we know for certain that, it can only get better.
To friend, please take heart and look at the bigger picture…. he wasn’t right for you and would not have done you right! gaskia.. It’s well
Myne WhitmanSep 21, 2010 at 3:44 pm
This was such a funny piece and I could see the lovely heart of the writer for her friends.
AyoSep 21, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I had a good laugh.i tried putting myself into ur friend situation even though i’m a man.but the truth is becoming a witch ‘cos of a man is not worth it.ladies also do break our heart too.i just hope we all learn to treat odas the way we want to be treated.nice write up.
tolulopeSep 21, 2010 at 6:29 pm
ejire, am so loving this . yes, i guess i will just echo you ; what exactly do men want? , because i as a single lady is often perplexed by this , but i have learnt to turn to God and let Him help to unravel this mystery around the species called ‘MEN’.
DumeSep 21, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Very interesting piece. I am so ribs hurt from laughing. I’m sure this will make your friend smile. Indeed ‘a man who is truly yours will never leave you, even when he is being chased away with a forklift.’ This is so true! I can attest to this fact. Then again, MEN!!!! What do they really want?
AyodeleSep 21, 2010 at 10:27 pm
I am sorry, I am not being biased, I understand how you feel but I just ask myself after 2 frustrating relationships that if “women” are these good (et al) why have I not met a sincere one that will encourage someone who’s sold out to unhold womanhood in high esteem. WHY!!!!!
ChinyiroSep 21, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Hi,
I do appreciate your feelings,however it’s important to know that women are not the only victims of heartbreaks. Men are also victims. Dear you need to know what ladies do when they are in relationships.Have we all forgotten about the issue of ‘sugar daddies’. My take on this issue is, we as individuals must search within ourselves and adjust to whatever flaws that may exist in our relationship. I tell you, if you search well you will find.
toluSep 22, 2010 at 5:59 am
refreshing piece of writing, thank you, ejire. we all know that a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage but heartbreaks hurt all the same….maybe they’d hurt less if the other party applied wisdom & honesty……@ the end of the day, what’s yours will always be yours….as my friends would say, “if they are meant to be, they will meant to be”!
rubySep 22, 2010 at 8:05 am
I love this piece! If only we could do that to men???????? not worth it!
Bolanle FasokunSep 23, 2010 at 11:20 am
Lol. Thanks for the good laugh! … ANd thanl God you aint a witch! I really lol at the making him fart part! lol! Anyways, the devil wants us when people hurt us to be at that revenge place but thank God through Jesus Christ for setting us free from all that bitterness that at the end don’t make nothing better! And thank you , dear for the prayers. I so want mine! Bless your heart! Love!
Bolanle FasokunSep 23, 2010 at 11:24 am
Lol. Thanks for the good laugh! … ANd thank God you aint a witch! I really lol at the making him fart part! lol! Anyways, the devil wants us when people hurt us to be at that revenge place but thank God through Jesus Christ for setting us free from all that bitterness that at the end don’t make nothing better! And thank you , dear for the prayers. I so want mine! Bless your heart! Love!
FatimaSep 23, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Beautiful piece! love it all the way and I couldn’t stop smilling.
Thanx Girlfriend!
laoluSep 24, 2010 at 6:32 am
.lovely piece…u aint alone dear…though ve always had this mentality that men can`t be trusted completely and most times l prepare myself for the best and brace for the worst, am in my second relationship but oh boy..most times l wish am harry potter….but unfortunately am not and can`t be.
lapeSep 24, 2010 at 1:53 pm
thank u so much for this,my friend s going tru ds,she was i n d relationship for 10yrs n just last week,he was talking abt introduction n few days later he broke up with her, she s really going tru so much pain now,everyone of us has tried to be there(by listening,comforting, cheering,encouraging,praying for her) but really its only God that can heal that broken heart, ve never seen her like this, but all i do now s just to keep praying that the God will put that smile back on her face n those dat re going tru d same thing,
jumoke @jobsnigeriaSep 25, 2010 at 12:46 am
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YomiOct 11, 2010 at 1:22 pm
hey jumoke check this out http://www.femmelounge.org/?p=2152
AlooFarSep 29, 2010 at 4:27 pm
This is lovely. Really nice.
BBqueen!!Sep 30, 2010 at 10:01 am
OMG!!! Lo: thanks for the humour, sorry about your friend but she should take everything in good faith..
olatounOct 22, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I’m rolling over with this…nice write up…if we were witches, plenty things we woulda done….awesome piece…i hope your friend finds solace in this….
BoomieDec 4, 2010 at 10:16 pm
beautiful write up….n vry vry funny. u’ve got a great sense of humour. God bless u 4 brightnening my day.
sheezeDec 27, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Such a laugh!! you truly blessed.
nwachukwu sandraSep 3, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Cant stop laughing. Pls dont let my ribs come out. Like some said earlier only God will judge nd reward dem.