By Fikayo Giwa

In the days of old, engagement list items were fairly static, but perhaps differing in quantity and maybe quality. You would see the usual tubers of yam, palm oil, bible and suitcases full of fabric.

Well, the modern Nigerian bride is not being bound by tradition. You can peruse the engagement list of a yuppy bride of 2013 and not surprisingly find the tubers of yam and the bible. But you may just do a double take when you come across “a white iPad mini”

Here are some of the items I have either seen on a list or heard about:-

• Samsung S3 Phone

• Louis Vuitton Bag

• Louboutin Pigalle Shoes

• Guiseppe Zanotti Sandals

It may seem somewhat mercenary or a shift away from tradition but I completely understand what these savvy young ladies are thinking. If, her husband to be and his family must buy gifts for her, it may as well be something she wants and/or will actually use. What will she actually do with suitcases upon suitcase filled with lace or Ankara (which probably won’t be to her taste)? Why not get that gadget or handbag she’s been lusting after for months. I believe this is the thought process of the modern Nigerian bride when it comes to her engagement gift list. I know I’ll certainly be doing the same when the time comes

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Writer: Fikayo Giwa is the founder and Creative Director of the Simply Kayo brand, a boutique special events company specialising in creating luxury events for the discerning client. Fikayo is passionate about planning weddings, events and bringing together quality suppliers to pull off a seamless event. She loves making her clients’ dream events come true.

By Jessie Guill

While there have been enormous strides made in regards to equality over the last 50 years, there are still numerous games and industries that are primarily geared towards men.  Below we take a look at some women who have no only participate in games dominated by men, but have went on to excel at those games.

Vanessa Selbst

If you are a fan of the game of poker, then you have heard of Vanessa Selbst.  Since 2006, Vanessa has taken the poker world by storm and has quickly become the top female player in the history of the game in regards to money earned in poker tournaments.

For her career, she has won over $7 Million in live poker tournaments, including two open field World Series of Poker bracelets.  Her $7 Million in earnings not only puts her at the top of the female money list, but also 42nd on Poker’s All-Time Money List.  If her poker skills were not impressive enough, Selbst graduated from Yale with a degree in Law.

Awesome Kong (Kia Stevens)

Kia Stevens may not be recognized by her given name, but in the world of pro wrestling she is well known by her ring name of Awesome Kong.  Stevens has been a female professional wrestler since around 2002 and while there are numerous women in pro wrestling, few have the size and power of Stevens.

Stevens under the names of Amazing Kong and Awesome Kong has held numerous titles including the WWWA World Heavyweight Title, the NWA World Women’s Title and the TNA Women’s Knockout Title.

Stevens was recruited by World Wrestling Entertainment in late 2010 and would debut in 2011 as Kharma.  Her career with the company would be cut short due to pregnancy but not before becoming one of only three women to ever participate in the Royal Rumble where she proceeded to eliminate two opponents and knock out the current World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler.

Irina Krush

Irina Krush is a 29 year old American chess player originally born in Russia who currently holds the title of International Master and Women’s Grandmaster.  Irina became the youngest female in history to win the US Women’s Chess Championship when she won the title in 1998 at age 14.  Since that time she has went on to win the title a total of four time and is the current defending champion.

Krush’s current FIDE ranking is 2470, putting her at 28th among active female chess players and the top US female player.  In addition to her impressive ranking, Irina was a member to the US Women’s team at the 38th Chess Olympiad where her team would win a bronze medal.

”Human beings have the ability to love different people in different ways, and sometimes even at the same time” – Chimamanda Adichie

Jon Snow interviewed  Chimamanda Adichie some weeks ago on Channel 4,  the discussion went from one interesting  topic to another,  but one of the things I find most interesting about the interview is the discussion about  the ability to love different people in different ways.

It reminded me of a post I read on a Facebook group. A woman who is married to a man she loves, is falling in love with another man, she was really confused and needed advice.

It was an interesting story so it attracted many comments, I clicked on the comments to read what other women thought about it and I was a little surprised that a large percentage of them believed that you can’t love two men at the same time. Many of the members believed that what she feels for her husband is the real love and what she feels for  the other man must be lust or infatuation.

I disagree with that school of thought but I wasn’t bold enough to drop a comment, it is a Facebook group for christian women so I was afraid of being an outcast.

Can you really love two men at the same time? I think so. I know it is possible to love two different people especially when they appeal to you in different ways.

Maybe the answers shouldn’t be about trying to prove that what she felt for the other man was lust because the truth is that being married or being in a committed relationship will not always stop you from being genuinely attracted to someone else. Maybe it should have been about how  to stay committed to the man she has chosen to marry.

 By Nkechi Ajayi

Dinner – Check

Dishes – Check

Doors – Check

Trash - Check

All that was left was a nice warm shower and then snuggle in to bed; another great day had come to an end.

Mike was in the toilet, I could hear him whistling a ridiculous number as he did his business, I undressed and just as I grabbed the towel off the bed, his phone fell.

I picked it up and pressed a button to ensure that nothing had gone bad, and was relieved when the lights came on. One of his constant habits is dumping his phone after reading an sms without exiting the page. I was about to press the exit button when I caught the words…”I’m home now…” so I proceeded to read it

 “Oga mi, I’m home now, phew, what an exhausting ride.., Have you had dinner?, guess you’d be turning in soon, see you at work tomorrow and regards to ur wife”.

I smiled and returned the phone to its pouch.

The text was from Evelyn, his subordinate at work…and for me; this had gone on for 3months too long…

For some of us married gals, this scenario may seem familiar, the spouse isn’t cheating, nah…not at all,

“this other person is just a colleague at work, a member of the same unit in church, a fellow volunteer at the orphanage…a harmless other, nothing at all in-between, not ever has there been a night out, a stolen kiss, an inappropriate hug or lingering handshake…nothing”

….That’s how we explain it when the wife gives us the…”what’s with the over familiarity” look…..in fact, most of our men, even when they are not guilty, once you just ask…”what was that about”…ghen ghen!! (cue tense music)…defences are up.

“We were just talking o, there’s nothing, she’s just concerned cos I had a headache at work earlier. it’s just her nature, she’s just generally caring. Haba, but you know she has a guy she is dating….”

Guy…Chill, its not the Spanish inquisition, we just wanna know where to place the babe.

She’s not the other woman, she’s not a bitch, she’s not a snatcher, she’s not a home-wrecker…she’s just the girl who wishes her “man” was as perfect as your husband, or she’s the friend to your husband, who is yet to find another man that understands her and can advise her the way your husband used to….before he got married.
Problem is, while clueless hubby is just being a friend, lil miss “just a friend” is setting her heart up for major confusion, and if she’s not wise enough to learn where to draw the line, someday…maybe when she’s lonely, or when she just gets dumped, or when she’s majorly frustrated with life, or maybe even when she’s just tired of waiting on her man to step up and be man like yours is, shit is going to hit the fan, and God help you if hubby doesn’t have his umbrella up at that point cos shit is going to splatter all over him like fruit juice in an open blender.

Plus, someday “husband man”, those late night “counselling sessions” you honestly and innocently have, advising her on her love life after group vigil in church, might turn ugly …maybe on the night when she’s so overwhelmed with “issues”

Truth is, we never plan for stuff to happen sometimes, but the wise ones understand that in life, prevention is better than cure.

So, set boundaries, let the other person understand that it can be a tad bit inappropriate to keep tabs on the well being of a married person, that’s one of the perks of marriage after-all, so, he’s covered, thank you, and if he’s not….well, that’s a story for another day….(Wife of that man O.Y.O lo wa o).

Don’t encourage the other person…as silly as it sounds, sometimes we women just feel, “well if he isn’t pulling away, its because he likes the attention, maybe he needs more TLC, aww, if only his wife understood how much he deserves it and more“.

And most importantly, don’t set your emotions up for being tested, at some point, you and wifey might have a fall out, most likely, at that point, you would be vulnerable…there’s so much that can go on in a vulnerable heart, so as much as you trust yourself, guard your heart with all diligence.

And wifey, it’s okay to let him know you ain’t comfy with a certain relationship, now this part is tricky, cos some of us are just generally insecure or possessive (jealous). Being any of this can lead us to deal with matters in an immature manner and push our spouse away, but, if we are not any of the two, a calm discuss should pass the right message across.

Bottom line….in the issue of friendship with another person’s spouse..both the “be-friender” and the “be-friended” should learn where to draw the boundary lines…..Have a great weekend y’all, don’t we all deserve to do just that?

PS:….I’m no marriage counsellor, just a married gal sharing my own point of view .

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Writer: Nkechi Ajayi is a blogger at http://jhazmyn.blogspot.com/, she is an architect, lover of God, life and music.

What is a role model?

Someone we aspire to be like or someone that inspires us to be better individuals.
So why have some lost the true value of what a role model actually stands for.
These days we are surrounded by so many things in the world of music, acting, politics, advertisements etc. and at times we don’t realise how many of these things affect the way we think, the way we reason and live our lives on a daily basis.
We see things like Beyoncé as the face of Pepsi, Kate Moss as the face of Rimmel London Make-Up, and Reality star Kim Kardashian showcasing her life for the TV screen.

So the question is…  Who do we qualify as our REAL Role models?

I find that the traditional role models such as our mother’s, and father’s don’t have as much value these days compared to the celebrities of our generation, and the sad part is if you read interviews by these same individuals they give credit to their parents for where they are today.

Let’s break it down a little further:

People who are public figures are doing the same thing you and I are doing, they are working.

Everything they do, they are getting paid to do so. So when the curtains fall, or the director says cut or they put down that microphone. Beyoncé goes back to being a mother and a wife; Kate Moss goes back to being the girl next door, and Kim Kardashian goes back to being a sister, and mother-to-be living as close as she can to a normal life.

Our generation get so carried away with vanity that it has created an ideology and perception of how life should be based on the silver screen.

We need to stop for a second and ask ourselves why do we consider these people as our role models? Is it because of the Bentley’s they drive (bear in mind some do actually rent these) and the mansions they live in? (believe it nor not some do pay mortgages too!) The amount of Christian Loubitan shoes they own (some get given these for free t endorse the brand), or their various sleeping partners? (I will not comment here lol) Or is it because of how they help society in various mediums.

There is nothing wrong in aspiring to be a singer, an actress, or to be a public figure but let it be for the right reasons.

As they say Charity begins at home, look closer to home when seeking a role model like your mother who spent countless of hours and excruciating pain ushering you into the world.

Your sister who has elevated themselves in their desired field/industry through dedication and hard work

Your friend who has used their entrepreneurial drive to set up her own business and u can see it going from strength to strength

Your Cousin who donates food to the orphanage every weekend

Role Models should inspire you – be it personal or professionally, their goals or achievement should be in-tune with your objectives and most importantly…

Where they’ve coming from has taught you about the curve ball life can throw at you and where they are going should motivate you to challenge yourself to be even greater.

If you can’t find a good role model,  Be One.

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Writer: Jennifer Oyelade is an entrepreneur and the Managing Director of Transquisite Consulting, a Recruitment and Business Solutions Consultancy (www.tq-consulting.com) Born and bred in the UK, her literature spans from personal experiences, those of her environment, and life in the UK. As a very strong believer in women empowerment, Jennifer is very passionate about how women are portrayed in the media, and how we can be more prominent in various industries and organisations.

Miss O Asks;
I am a designer; I started with a little capital so I decided to set myself apart from the big names in the market by focusing on a niche market and making sure that my designs are really unique. I also made sure my branding both offline and online is very unique, and I am very creative with the use of my social media.

Here is the problem. A designer that has been in the market for long is copying every little thing I do, my branding, colors, designs and even slogan. Everything I do to set myself apart, she copies. It is really getting at me because I spend a lot of time and resources to do these things so that I can have a competitive edge. She copies them and because she has a larger market, I look like the copycat. She follows me on every social media platform and even sends me anonymous emails pretending to be a customer so she can get details of what I am doing.

Customers now ask me if I am copying her! I am frustrated; I have no idea of what to do

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Company founder Ronke Lawal was born in Hackney, East London of Nigerian parentage. Having graduated with honours from Lancaster University and the University of Richmond Virginia (USA) with a degree in International Business (Economics), she started her own business in 2004. In 2011 Ronke Lawal was honoured to receive a Precious Award for Inspirational Leadership. In January 2010, Ronke became the Chief Executive of the Islington Chamber of Commerce where she remained until the end of 2012 and became a non-executive director of The Hoxton Apprentice in 2011. She joined the board of Trustees of Voluntary Action Islington in 2012 and is currently on The Employers Panel for the National Employment Savings Trust.  She is a passionate business woman running RSL Management Services and the Simone Williams fashion label.  Apart from her active and involved business interests, her varied passions outside the business world include food, travel, music, literature and most importantly living a life she loves.

She’s gone, but her words live on. Here are 10 things Margaret Thatcher knew that you should too.

Belief systems in many African societies form basis of a number of their values too. While they have lived with these through generations, some of such beliefs may have been helpful, and some others, damaging to the people. This makes it necessary to embrace change and see how things work in other improved systems.

While the issue of traditional beliefs is still being addressed, many people have also continued to deny themselves of the right and opportunity to access proper medical care due to their religious beliefs.

In a recent study conducted between October 2012 and March 2013 by the One Page Africa Research Team in Lagos, as part of an advocacy to help women with goitre access proper medical care, the effort did not yield encouraging results.

It was disturbing to know that all three different women who were approached by the research team, who did not know one another, who were of different ages, who resided in different parts of the Lagos metropolis, held on to beliefs that caused them to reject an offer for proper treatment.

The first woman, in her mid-thirties, is a trader. She hails from the Niger Delta region of Nigeria and spoke in simple understandable English language. The goitre had grown quite big and appeared to be very disturbing to her.

After explaining to her that she could get proper medical care to remove the goitre, she argued that the remedy was beyond medical care. She was convinced that she had been under a ‘spiritual attack’and that it was only the ‘deliverance’ by her pastor that could bring a solution to her plight. About four months after, her condition hadn’t changed, not even with all the lacerations that were done on the surface of her bulging neck.

The second woman was 62 years old and also a trader. She hails from the Niger Delta region just like the first woman. She communicated well in Pidgin English language. She believed that ‘one of her enemies’ had sent an attack of goitre against her; therefore, it would only be cured by a ‘prayer warrior’ whom she goes to visit on a weekly appointment. She could not turn her neck, owing to the size of the goitre.

The third woman was 40years old and hails from Oshun State. She worked in an office on the Lagos Mainland. Her spoken English was very good. She vowed never to subject herself to the surgeon’s knife, but would continue to pray until the goitre disappeared. She said that her Christian faith does not permit her to take medication, but prayers!

The Christian book- the Bible, says God wants His children to be in good health, and of sound mind. Seeking proper medical help from a trained medical personnel would only be in line with God’s word and not otherwise, in my opinion.

It is sad how some people have allowed beliefs to becloud their sense of reason and keep them bound in ill-health.

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By Abiola Olaleye

The flower that you hold in your hands was born today and already it is as old as you are. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Sometimes I imagine how beautiful it would be to hold time in my hands. To have absolute control over it, to be able to stop the moving hands feverishly working tirelessly to keep the world going.

How beautiful it would be to be able to stop the ticking for an instant when we need to savor the sweetness of the present; to be able to wound back the hands when we need to correct or undo what was done in the past and to be able to fast forward it to peep into the future.

Thankfully, time is not within our control and better for us too, because this world would be chaotic if we were all to be in charge. Imagine me wanting to turn back the hands of time same time someone else in far away Nottingham or Canada or India or some other place needs to fast forward it.

Now what got me wound up about time (this time)?

Just finished helping D1 with his Numeracy assignment when he brought out his Queen Primer to read. (Some of us never heard of ‘Numeracy’ as it was named differently in our time; arithmetic, anyone?) I was about taking it from him so I could read to him and have him read after me when he started…”He is up… Is he up?….” “I am up… Am I up?….”

I did a double take in shock. Completely dumbfounded. My baby is all grown up. Where have I been When did he start reading and I didn’t even have an inkling of what he was capable of now? I was exhilarated and a little sad at the same time.

Don’t we all want to enjoy and savor the joys of the moment while also peeping impatiently into the future, to a time when they would be all grown up? Don’t we all want them to be fully dependent on us and at the same time independent enough to wipe their own bum and flush the toilet when they are done? Oh, how time flies.

Seems like yesterday when his beautiful little, pink, squeamish body was handed over to me and now, he could read!

Indeed the flower that I hold in my hand was born today and yet, before my very eyes, had sprouted, grown and bloomed.

Now I had prided myself on being a hands-on mum, (when I can pry myself away from work stuffs) who has a keen sense of observation. I notice the tiny spots, the nail marks from creche, mosquito bites, etc

But how many golden moments have I missed right under my nose while doing my busy runs? Time to start implementing fully ‘hands free sunday or monday or …any chosen day within the week.

No more golden hours slipping by, won’t allow them anymore. Will take more time to savor the joys of the present, loosing myself no more in far off plans and places while fully seizing the moment and the precious gift freely bestowed on us..Time.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by. ~James Matthew Barrie

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Writer: Abiola Olaleye is a simple..lovable..child of God..’career momaholic’. Check her blog here http://www.biolaleye.blogspot.com/

Sickle cell anaemia is most common in West and Central Africa where approximately 25% of the population have sickle cell trait and 1-2% of all babies are born with a form of the disease. In the United States with an estimated population of over 270 million, about 1000 babies are born with sickle cell each year.

I decided to highlight this debilitating condition by conducting an in-depth interview with Dr A, a remarkable woman in her late 40’s, who has lived successfully with the disease through childhood, marriage, motherhood, a demanding medical career, and relocation across three continents.

Her story, told in her own words, will encourage other sufferers to fight and survive, and to resist any attempt to pigeonhole or categorise them as disabled by their inherited condition. Thankfully, with medically advances and increased awareness, sickle cell anaemia is no longer a death sentence from birth.

INTERVIEW;

Q: At what age were you diagnosed with sickle cell anaemia, and what was your earliest memory of realising you had the condition?
A: I have had sickle cell disease all my life but didn’t really understand what it was or what it meant till I went to medical school. We were doing a physiology practical which required drawing blood and the instructor noted that my blood was thinner and paler than some of my colleague’s specimens. I eventually learned the specifics of sickle cell disease. I do remember as a young child going to the hospital and always having blood tests but I did not know what it meant.

Q: How did members of your family, and friends treat you as a result of their awareness that you had the condition? Were there others you could relate to in your environment?
A: I doubt my family really understood the implications of my disease fully. I don’t remember being treated any differently. I do remember being unable to keep up with my peers in activities that required some sort of physical effort.

Q: What impact did having sickle cell anaemia have on your education, ability to participate in sports, travel, independence from parents, etc?
A: As I mentioned, I doubt my family really understood the full implication of my disease. It had no impact on my education, but I could not keep up with my peers in sports. I also distinctly remember that even though I travelled a lot because I left secondary school in Nigeria midway to continue my education in England, sometimes I would develop pain after flying which impacted the first few days of wherever I happened to be.. I eventually learned about the changes associated with flying that can cause a propensity to have a crisis after traveling and I have learned some tricks to prevent or at least mitigate the effects.

Q: As a young woman, probably beginning to consider marriage and childbearing, how were your expectations shaped by the condition?  Did you have any negative experiences specifically as a result?
A:I was aware that I needed to be careful choosing a partner to avoid having children with the disease but I was a normal teenager/young woman and did not ask dates for their status before considering them as friends/partners. I just consider myself very lucky that the person I fell in love with and decided to marry did not have any S genes. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to look for someone else if he did. We did discuss the implications of having the disease on my life and the need for close medical care. He has always been by my side during the difficult times. I would have liked to have more children but we decided to limit it to 2 at his urging (I am so very fortunate) because of the difficulties we experienced during my pregnancies.

Q: Do you believe that your choice of profession was impacted by your having sickle cell anaemia? Were any professions barred to you by reason of the condition?
A: It is funny, but my disease had absolutely no impact on my choice of profession. As I mentioned I didn’t even really realise my medical condition and understand it until I got into medical school. I just wanted to be a doctor and never entertained the thought of following another profession. Maybe it was ignorance but I can’t remember why I was so attracted to the profession. Maybe if I had realised how much work was involved, I might have considered something else! LOL. I discovered later in life that I do like the arts . I pursue my love of the arts in my free time. I do love being a doctor though so I have the best of both worlds.

Q: How have you coped with times when you have had to be hospitalised due to sickle crisis, and what effect has that had on your relationships and work? What systems have you put in place to minimise the negative effects?
A: I have a rare combination of sickle genes, which has afforded me the blessing of not having too many crises. I have had my fair share believe me but I don’t have them as frequently as some others. It has a little impact on my relationships but they go about their lives and just spend a bit more time than others by my side at the hospital after work and school if necessary. I know some of the triggers and try and avoid them at all costs; I stay out of the cold or wrap up really warm when I go out (since I live in a cold climate! LOL) I drink plenty of fluids to make sure I stay hydrated and I try to avoid stress in any way I can. I used to love to swim as a young girl but stay away from water now, which is one of my big regrets. My work colleagues have had to pick up some slack when I have to take time off work but as I mentioned, it doesn’t occur very often so they tend to forget in-between episodes!

Q: Pain management is a vital part of the treatment of sickle cell disease. What have you found works for you personally, for optimum relief during sickle crisis?
A: I usually end up in the hospital for pain management when I have a crisis because they are so infrequent; they tend to be severe requiring IV medication.

Q: Are you apart of any support groups, and how does that help you psychologically? Are you aware of any sickle cell disease patients who are virtually crisis-free, and how do they manage the condition?
A: Where I live I don’t have easy access to support groups. I have several friends who suffer from the same condition but they all try to live their lives to the fullest. I have lost one relative and a very good friend to the disease, which makes me very, very sad.

Q: Can you name 2 or 3 factors, which exacerbate the condition, to your knowledge?
A: Cold weather, stress, dehydration.

Q: Over the last 20-30 years, great strides have been made in the management of sickle cell disease, leading to a better quality of life and increased life expectancy for sufferers. Do you have any comment on these?
A: I am in awe of the strides that have been made, which is very useful for sufferers. Hopefully with the advance of technology, a cure will be found somewhere in the near future. It is a devastating disease.

Q: What special privileges do you think you may have enjoyed from family, friends, employers, the government or society in general as a result of the condition?
A: None whatsoever. I think it is because I don’t have too many crises. Most of my friends and family forget until they hear I am in the hospital.

Q: Can you name any celebrities who have come forward to admit that they have the condition, and perhaps spearheaded a campaign to find a cure?
A: I am not aware of any.

Q: What is the worst thing about having sickle cell disease?
A: One develops an intimate relationship with pain, which is unfortunate. It can rule your life and limit one’s ability to do many activities. However I don’t let pain  rule my life and I am aware of my limitations. I try to do whatever I can within those limitations. I would so love to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef but I know that will never happen.

Q: What advice would you have for anyone who finds either from pre-natal tests or on giving birth that their baby newborn has sickle cell disease?
A: Education is absolutely vital. Educate yourself about the disease and get to know all the triggers to avoid and what treatment modalities are available . However within the constraints of the disease, just bring up your child as a normal individual. I consider it a blessing that my parents did not fully understand the implication of my disease; they did not impose any limits because they did not know. Otherwise they may have stopped me from doing things like getting in the pool, which I loved as a young girl.

Q: What impact has your faith had on your attitude towards having sickle cell disease?
A: My faith is strong and I do believe that even on my darkest days, there is always something to be thankful for. It may be that I haven’t been in hospital that year. It may be that I know I will be ok in a couple of days. I always have amazing support from family and friends, and always have a quiet assurance from my faith that at the end of the day all will be well. I understand that my life expectancy is statistically shorter than that of my peers but I believe no matter what, one must live one’s best life every minute of the day; breathe in that air, celebrate each day, live life to the fullest, do what you enjoy, appreciate every minute of every day.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish you continued good health, and a long and happy life.

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Writer: Angel Works

*In her article entitled “How to Live with Sickle Cell anemia” on www.livestrong.com, Rose Kvi gives a useful outline of Sickle cell anaemia, also known as Sickle Cell disease: