Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
Posted on 15. Nov, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Connections
Kate meet James when she joined a new Accounting Firm two years ago, James was her supervisor and the first time they met, he actually struck her as a bit shy and withdrawn. But a few months into their working relationship, something changed. James started warming up to her with special attention; she warmed up to him too. Soon their conversations turned from work related issues to easy banter about everything personal and later it became flirtation. They shared many similar things in common, and they soon became inseparable.
She convinced herself that she wasn’t doing anything wrong; after all they were not having sex. And couldn’t she have a friend who happened to be male? She also told her husband about him, even sharing when they would meet for lunch. Her husband, who is very busy with a demanding job and hardly spends enough time at home, trusted her completely and didn’t raise an eyebrow.
In the midst of working full time and caring for her two children, e-mailing and talking with James felt like an innocent escape. James was always a call away to encourage her and guide her through difficult times; they spend hours talking on the phone and chatting on the internet. She increasingly found herself sharing more and more of her goals and dreams with James and was withdrawing from her husband more and more. Her conversation with her husband became very casual and it became only about the children and general issues.
She started looking forward to her regular interactions with James in a way that was all too consuming, and never missed her husband when he wasn’t around. It was James not her husband who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in her life. She was having an emotional affair.
Emotional infidelity often starts when you share intimate details of your life with someone else apart from your partner. The person probably make you feel good and special and you like the feeling of affection you have when you are with them, you then begin to put the bulk of your emotions into the person’s hands.
The signs of an emotional infidelity may be more subtle than those of a sexual infidelity, and even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your relationship. When you save up your innermost thoughts, and interesting personal experiences to be spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse then you are doing your relationship harm and it’s not fair to your partner.
According to a relationship expert, emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated, Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to fill their space with someone else.
To avoid emotional affair it’s important to keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate life, find polite ways to stop your discussions from being too personal or intimate. Emotional affairs begin with personal discussions, and grow more intimate as time goes on.
Also, avoid regular, ongoing personal conversations with one particular person and watch who you talk to make sure you are not making deep emotional investments with the inappropriate person. It’s important to know that friendship with the opposite sex can become a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage, and also be careful of seemingly innocent actions such as dancing, kissing, or hugging members of the opposite sex
Be honest with yourself if you’re attracted to someone outside your marriage, be honest about the potential for an emotional affair and do something to stop it before it grows out of hand.
Emotional infidelity is rarely planned; it often arises from innocent friendships that went too far, that became too intimate.
this is a very good article, however theres a part left out, (just to be fair to everyone involved) partners , no matter how busy should find time and listen to what their partners have to say, even if its crap,to always fill the space in other to prevent their other partner from having emotional infidelity. lets not forget ” we are all humans”
That’s right Tunny, that’s right. Most times the spouses are the ones who push their spouses out to find someone else to replace them. Not saying it’s right but this involves both parties.
this is a very good one. we often neglect the fact that bn emotionaly attached to some1 will definitly go beyond that and we might not realize it on time. if ur spouse is leaving out some space in ur life, have a talk and let him reason with you.
mmh……….. this issue is so rampant and people keep quiet about it, most times because they don’t know what to do…. I always tell people, if you are married, you cant afford to have a close male friend…. its too expensive. Its only normal for you to be close to the person that you know understands you…. rather than a male, always opt for a female. its not easy though, when we are in a world full of so many stuff that we are all struggling with everyday…. more often than not we have to encourage ourselves…
Good article. However, I don’t agree with certain portions of the article. There is no hard and fast rule to avoiding a situation such as this. Even those with excellent family lives sometimes have friends who can give them a more objective view than spouses. Besides, those who end up in a situation as highlighted above saw it coming and enjoyed it. It doesn’t just creep up on you. So intentionally avoiding further discussions with the same person, hugs, dancing, etc may not work. All it takes is one conversation really and with other guys, you may speak with them about every other thing under the sun but there are unspoken boundaries which you both respect…. So really, if you’re comfortable with yourself, your marriage and your spouse then there really cannot be a replacement.
hmn!! this is a very interesting one and it is very rampant in our society. I think many people are living with this issue and they are keeping it to themselves. Maybe, they think its a better way to fill the gap of their spouse that doesnt have time for them. Well, i think its better we put an end to such affairs cos its not gonna help our marriage but instead damage it.
If you think your spouse doesnt have time for u anymore, sit him or her down and u guys should adjust ur lapses….
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!!!
We should know our capacities as women and don’t let any male friend get too close to this point.
The signs are always there, just that sometimes, we choose to ignore them and say, after all am not really doing anything. Me thinks we should ask the spirit of for help.
God help us all, Amen.
This article is really nice and i actually learnt something from it. Thanks so much
Would this also be called an emotional affair if it occured between two single lady and a guy who is in a relationship but not married?
Sorry, I meant to say, a single lady and a guy.
Very good article,it happens all the time even in relationships.we just ve to be careful and crush any feelings that happens to be growing.thanks a lot.
i believe that this thing about an emotional affair is not only peculiar in marriages, it can also happen between intending couples. It is best to channel all your emotions to your partner and make time out for him/her where communication is concerned.
This was an excellent piece.GOD BLESS U AS U PUT PEN TO PAPER.A lot of women are found wanting when it comes to Emotional Infidelity.We should strive to give our Partners more attention even when it makes us look stupid.
True talk. If your husband aint talking with you, make him by telling him what your needs and expectations are. Starting a relationship with the opposite sex is deadly, dangerous and destructive…
This a very good and intrestin one.I know a case whr d husband was busy with work,nite crawls and womanises and d wife found a guy frnd who hapned to be a childhood frnd they started having an emotional affair which led to a sexual one.
A married woman runs into her ex boyfrnd whom she loved soo much she finds out she still lobes him,she prayed avoided him tried soending more time with her hubby but d feeling for her ex was still strong,she ended up having sex with her ex and kept it secret she is still strugling with keeping away from her ex…
Very good article… Read it a few minutes after I had a fight with my hubby about me having male friends. So I guess it was an eye opener for me tho I won’t say I’m having an emotional affair with anyone …
Great article. Always good to vist this site.
@Gbemisola, I’ve learned that some of our greatest struggles and troubles come from some of our most deep seated desires. God isn’t really going to help us to escape from some of the things we have made up our minds to do. When I find myself in that kind of position, I go to God and admit that I really want to do this and that. Brutally honest with Him, I begin to sense His help to escape…
One thing is that once you get in contact with someone you are attracted to. You will be hooked. I mean someone who meets your requirements. We all have requirements. If you are married, pls tell your spouse about it immediately. Tell him/her how badly attracted you are to the person. It is not something that can be helped, I believe. Only concerted effort and discussing the whole thing with one’s spouse can save one.
This article is very helpful to me oersonally bcos am a type that easily get emotionally attached wt women.But now i learn how to be cautious when it comes to opposite sex.Thanks a lot for putting down your inspiration on pen and paper.Thanks again.
Uhm…this is really an eye opener i must confess…..that means i have been having several forms of emotional affairs…. i have found myself talking to some of my friends that are males colleaques, church friends even my partner’s friends and we get to talk so deeply that we just get carried away without thinking that we are doing more havoc rather than good…. but my confusion is even though there is no emotional attachment from my own part but attimes i feel that these friends of mine are getting to attached to a fault to me and this kind of put me in a tight corner… maybe because they were there at my down moments and it will now be diificult to box them because you feel they are too attached so dear freinds how do you handle such?????
Got me thinking.So many marriages and friendships that would have been saved had these precautions been taken.God bless the writer.
This is really great and educative. A lot of ladies do this without knowing it. May God help us all and also strenghten our men to all that we need (amen)
Hmmmm…funny, I have had countless emotional affair that often leaves me perplexed. i am on one end just trying to be a fantastic friend, the guys are already picturing me carrying a baby for them. Most times, it a struggle even making dem understand that i have zero feelings for them.
Suffice… You don’t have to be sexually committed to it, Emotional affairs can be one-sided. Always watch out for the signs and run like 2mrw has passed by!.
luvly article….we all fall victim at one time or the other….it takes a conscious effort to get out of it…im trying i wont lie
this is a very good piece but i think spouses should also have time for each other to avoid some of these situations
Hmm, this topic is one I’m very familiar with, you never know when it hits you and if you’re not very careful, you may find it difficult to admit it to yourself and look for a way of escape. You just never see it coming!
Yeah, it’s very easy to get emotionally attached to someone who seems to feel your pains and share your delights effortlessly. But in reality, all true friendships must have some form on emotional connection or the other, and maturity entails being able to manage such. I guess one key is to define the friendship before it becomes too deep, and note clearly subjects that are totally off-limits. This will help ensure that the friendship develops in a mutually beneficial direction.
Wondeful article….
Well written. However, to avoid emotional affairs is not necessarily about avoiding ‘personal’ relationship with the opposite (emphasis, it happens both ways) sex, rather, ’tis more about understanding that once one is married, one has committed one’s life to ‘walk’ the rest of the journey with the other. In essence, one needs to CONSCIOUSLY nuture the (marriage) relationship with one’s partner (which may not always be that easy).
Good (successful) marriage relationships don’t just happen (cos the two people involved are nice), they happen because those involved CHOOSE to CONSCIOUSLY nuture their relationships. Moreover, if one is truly and sincerely nuturing a relationship, there really is no way one will also have quality time to nuture another (office et al) relationship.
Wow! Ds is a great peice. Av learnt a whole lot……thing is, its common with everybody and we really dnt see anthing wrong with it. Well, ds has shed a light on hw inapproriate these emotional attachments are, God help us all!
Wow! Ds is a great piece. Av learnt a whole lot……thing is, its common with everybody and we really dnt see anthing wrong with it. Well, ds has shed a light on hw inapproriate these emotional attachments are, God help us all!
Wow! Ds is a great piece. Av learnt a whole lot……thing is, its common with everybody and we really dnt see anthing wrong with it. Well, ds has shed a light on hw inappropriate these emotional attachments are, God help us all!
Great piece.This is just one part of adult life we keep close to our hert afterall no sin comited but so much harm is done to d next person.
I like the article.
Emotional affairs aren’t as harmless as many believe. No married person would like his/her partner to be so close to someone of the opposite sex that he/she goes to the extent of relating what his/her spouse told him/her in confidence.