Help! Jealousy Is Killing Me
Posted on 29. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Real Women Real Issues
Question By Worried Girl:
I’ve known my friends, Nneka and Yinde since our undergraduate days and we have all been good friends for about six years now. Things seem to be working so well so fast for them, they both have great jobs, and are married to rich men, and they both travel outside the country at will. Everything about them is perfect!
I am still struggling with a low paying job, despite my hard work. Nneka’s salary is nine times more than mine, and her husband just bought her a posh house last year. Yinde just bought her second car and is having her second baby very soon.
My own relationships with men have been failures upon failures, and I have been in and out of hospitals for fibroids, and I can’t afford to buy a car.
I used to be so happy for them, always praying for them as I pray for myself and always at hand to celebrate their successes, I have even helped them to babysit their children several times, but I recently discovered that I am getting overly jealous of them and their achievements.
I try to put on a brave face, but it’s so hard because they are always showing off and bragging about their successes. Whenever we go places together I’m always treated like second best and it’s like I don’t even exist anymore, they are so insensitive to my pains.
The worst part is not being able to be happy for them anymore and deep down me wishing them bad things, so that they will know how it feels to be in my position.
I feel horrible and don’t want to feel this way anymore but it overcomes me and I can’t help it. How can I stop feeling jealous of them?
- Worried Friend ( 32 year old lady)
(Do you or do you know somebody that has a question or an issue that you will like to have other women’s opinion on? please send it to info@femmelounge.org for our Real Women,Real Issues Column. Identity will not be revealed)
Shola Okubote
Posted on 25. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Highlights
Shola?
I am a woman on a journey, I am not where I want to be yet but I am working hard at it and i know I will get there soon! I stopped pacing the aisles and counting the miles, I chose to enjoy every step of the journey , to make the most of all my resources no matter how seemingly insignificant, without holding back all I can give, do or be.
Writing?
I write pieces on women’s personal growth and general lifestyle issues for print and online magazines as a part-time writer. I look forward to being a part of the editorial team of an international women’s lifestyle magazine, and having a women’s column in a daily newspaper.
So far my articles have been published in
- Fab Magazine
- New African Woman Magazine
- Naija Times
- True Love West Africa Magazine
- Exquisite Magazine
- Ninety Nine Magazine
- Elonn Magazine
- Poize Magazine
- Motherhood Instyle Magazine
- Timeless Magazine
- Femme Lounge
Femme Lounge?
It started as monthly inspirational emails to friends and friends’ friends, and then went a bit further to a vibrant Facebook Group and now we have grown even bigger to an online magazine! Who knows how far this could still go?
Hobbies?
I enjoy reading magazines, watching TV especially talk shows and spending time with my five sisters and four nieces! I love tea, and coke and rice in all its variety!
Passion?
I am passionate about international development and women issues.
iKnowForSure?
Tides turn and things do change, that iKnowForSure
Small is Big!
lol!, Small is Big is my first attempt at writing something close to a book, it’s an eBook of few pages, just trying to put an important lesson I learnt into words and surprisingly the feedback has been amazing.
To Download Your Free Copy of Small is Big!, Enter Your Email Address Below and Click The Download Button.
Myne Whitman – The Heart Mender!
Posted on 18. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in She
She is bold, she is brilliant, she is pretty, and we call her the Heart Mender! Myne Whitman is a young Nigerian woman and the author of A Heart to Mend, an exciting first novel that tells a powerful story of how love doesn’t strut, never gives up, never looks back and keeps going to the end.
She talks to Femme Lounge on her book and her journey so far.
Tell us a bit about your background?
I grew up during the 1980′s and remember as a child studying a lot, reading everything I could lay my hands on, and then trying to play the rest of the time. I attended Ekulu Primary School and Queens School in Enugu, and Loretto Science School and Nnamdi Azikiwe University in Anambra. I am from Asaba, Delta State and that is where my parents live now. I also lived and worked in Abuja for a few years. Now I live in the United States after some years in the UK where I obtained my masters degree.
Myne Whitman and Nkem Okotcha, how different are they?
They are one and the same person. Myne Whitman is a name I coined myself when I began to write seriously while still in secondary school. Most of the books I read were in English, and since I was writing in English too, I decided my name would be the same. So the pseudonym is a play on the transliterated words of my maiden name, Nkem Okotcha.
How much of A Heart to Mend is inspired by real life stories?
A lot of the themes handled in the book are motivated by events or stories I’ve heard or read about in real life. However, none of my characters is based on me or anyone I know but on a cumulative of my experience. They’re just people of my imaginings and are therefore may seem free from some of the usual constraints we real persons face. However, since I try to make my stories as real as possible, they also share our fears and hopes, our victories and our pain. If you look closely, you may even recognize one or more of them.
How has been readers’ response to the book so far?
I got overwhelming response to the Gladys and Edward story which is now a Heart to Mend on my blog and again when I decided to self-publish. Since the book debuted, the response has also been very good. I really did not expect it to be so well received. A few bloggers — once they knew my book was out, wanted to run interviews. I want to point out at this point that apart from the commercial success, there’s that deep satisfaction of knowing your creative work is out there making and contributing to conversation.
What lesson would you want readers to take away from the book?
The novel details how Edward and Gladys were affected by their past and how it limited their opportunities in the present especially in the area of love and relationships. Gladys obsesses over the divide between her and Edward, while he had barricaded his heart and was not letting anyone in, man or woman. The lesson is that none of us is perfect but we should be able to keep our heart open for that (sometimes one) person who has enough masking tape to cover our imperfections and make us complete.
Another major theme I explored as a source of tension and conflict is that of cross-cultural relationships which I think will continue to be a source of drama as long as human beings feel more comfortable associating with people of the same culture and social class. Lesser issues are that of premarital sex, illegitimacy, crooked business dealings and improper marriages where women are treated like chattel and controlled by a domineering husband.
How long did it take you to put this together?
It took me roughly about a year. But the truth was that I already had a short story of around a few thousand words before I started. I decided to make it a full length novel and publish it. So, I already had the story but what took a year was making it a full length novel and polishing it up. In the process though, most of the original script had to be let go.
Is writing a full time job for you or do you have to find time on the side to do your writing?
For now, writing is a full-time job for me and that is why I’m able to concentrate fully on my books. I have heard writing described as a lonely career and I agree, it’s also a tasking process. I spend nothing less than five hours a day writing though sometimes I can’t go to sleep and write through the night. On certain days however, I can’t write one sentence to save my life, or I spend most of the time trawling the web for information that’ll make the books as real as possible. It does help to have a very supportive partner, who is not only understanding but also very helpful.
Most successful women have had to climb on the shoulders of others to have a clearer view of the road ahead them, who are your own mentors?
The issue you bring up is very valid. In my case, I was fortunate to have the help of my husband who provided suggestions as to how the story plots might be developed, and who also helped me proof read the work. I also had the support of my local writers group who provided different perspectives on the storyline, especially from the viewpoint of non-Nigerians. In less tangible ways however, I looked up to other upcoming authors like Chimamanda Adichie and Sefi Attah.
What are the challenges you encountered in writing and publishing the book.
A Heart to Mend is a romance in the suspense category, some may call it romantic fiction. It was challenging to write especially in the setting I chose. The story is set in Lagos, a city I have not lived in for more than a few weeks at a stretch. Also the stock market forms the backdrop and again, I’m a novice in the industry. Creative writing is not child’s play as I realized when I compared some of my short stories and scripts with what was already available. The excuse that I did not study English or Literature could not suffice.
To prepare, I took some free online courses and workshops for Creative Writing and Fiction from the University of Utah, MIT, Open University UK and Suite 101. I’m still taking these trainings and they’re an on-going project. I also became a member of a writing meetup group in my area which includes traditionally and self published authors and gifted writers and editors. The members were a great help in the course of writing “A Heart to Mend”.
What significant life lessons have you learnt on this journey?
The major lesson for me was perseverance. I have been writing for a very long time, ever since I was a child and always dreamed of holding a book in my hands with my name on the cover as the author. I was discouraged earlier on when I tried to pursue a writing career after my first degree. I was rejected by a couple of the publishers we had in Nigeria then.
This time also I started sending out queries to a few literary agents and publishers when I had the chapter one to three ready and continued doing this up till chapter ten. At the same time, I was reading other authors comments and ideas on other ways of publishing and in the end I decided to try the self-publishing route.
Your greatest strengths and skills that has been particularly been of help in achieving this.
This would include discipline, the quest for personal development and being able to pursue my goals up to the end. This hasn’t been easy like when I had some writer’s block or when my critics will point to a passage and say that doesn’t make sense. I felt like giving up but now it was worth it.
Your most fulfilling moment from inception of the idea till now.
That must be when I held the paperback copy in my hands. It felt almost unreal. I had to read it again to be sure it was my book, the same one I had written. It was a very exciting and gratifying moment.
What’s the future beckoning you to?
I definitely plan on writing more books. A sequel to “A Heart to Mend” is not on the books right now but who knows what will happen? LOL. I am currently working on another romantic suspense manuscript and a couple of short stories, one of which I hope will be published before the end of the coming year. Also co-ordinating the Blogsville Interactive Story has shown me so much talent and given me some ideas that I’m still playing with.
What do you think are the success essentials for today’s young women?
One of the most important is being able to outline your goals. What is your dream and vision of your future? Once you know this, then a lot of discipline and perseverance is necessary to achieve them.
Where and how can we know more about your work?
More information can be found at
My website: http://www.mynewhitman.com/
My blog: http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com
Facebook Fan page: http://www.facebook.com/Myne.Whitman
Twitter account: http://twitter.com/Myne_Whitman
Buy paperback: http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=67912
Ebook store: http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=4531432
Read Chapter 1: http://www.freado.com/book/5186/A-Heart-to-Mend-Paperback
A Tale of Two Blouses
Posted on 17. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living
Marketplaces aren’t particularly one of my favorite spots so having to wait for someone in a very busy one left me uneasy and very impatient. While pacing up and down restlessly, I noticed two gorgeous blouses in a small boutique that seems to be at a locational disadvantage.
I moved closer and took a better look at the blouses, both were pink with lovely details, but the first one seems perfect. It will be a pretty match for an idle skirt I hadn’t put to much use, and the size was so rightly 10.
I took a look into my bag, at what seems to be the most important factor in getting the blouse, I had more than enough loose money to get it!
Shouldn’t I go for it? For a long while, and quite unnecessary as well, I stood there admiring the two blouses and I thought to myself even if the first one was not there, the second would have also been lovely for me .
After taking my sweet time to hesitate, ponder, analyze, and admire I started walking towards the boutique, a few steps away from the shop, I was flabbergasted at what I saw.
A lady walked towards the shop took the blouses off the hanger and went in, of course to fit them! She paid for the two and left!
The two! Not even the second best was left?
Well, the ‘get up’ ring from my alarm clock denied me the end of the story too, there sure was nothing tangible I could do in the dream world.
Try as hard as I might to drop it into the ‘‘it’s just a dream” trashcan, it followed me around all through the day like a nagging wife, determined to prick on my conscience till I accepted I needed to make a change.
I didn’t have to think too far to understand its message, I knew exactly where the old, ugly shoes itch. In clear words – PROCRASTINATION!
Pursuing what I desire out of life is certainly not by wishing and admiring but in getting up and running either like a lion would towards its prey or like a gazelle away from its predator.
I knew it was time to run! To allow my dreams take a leap out of the pages of my journal into reality. Like someone said, to think too much about doing something maybe its undoing, procrastination is opportunity’s natural killer.
So step up, step out and do what you gotta do!
How To Walk Your Talk
Posted on 17. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living
New Year is the only holiday that celebrates the passage of time and gives us hope for newness. That’s why, as the final seconds of the year tick away, we look back to the past with introspection, and also look forward to the New Year with new expectations. We look within and without to reflect on the changes we want and make solemn resolve to follow through.
Have you made plans to kick bad habits and start a new life this year? Well, before you pour the champagne on ice and jump on the wagon with your new resolutions, these are three things you need to know in order to achieve your New Year plans, and walk your talk!
The Change You Need.
Achieving your New Year resolutions might not be as easy as the campaign slogan goes, if you can’t separate the change you need from the change other people want for you. If getting married is one of your goals this year just because your Mama wants it, then it is very likely that it will not be achieved.
Aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you. For instance, if you are healthy and comfortable with your weight, don’t include weight loss on your to do list because everybody else is doing it, or if you know you are not financially ready for a new house don’t resolve to buying one.
Don’t be caught up striving so hard to do the impossible while you neglect the most important things. If you keep making and breaking a particular resolution, then maybe you should consider deleting it entirely. Put your energy toward making the changes that are both realistic and useful. Don’t let an unfulfilled resolution to lose twenty pounds or to buy a beach house block you from making other, smaller resolutions that might give you a big boost in life.
Think Small
You have heard that it pays to think big. Well, not all the time. If you are serious about achieving your goals this year then you have to learn to see the beauty in small things.
Breaking down large goals into smaller achievable goals helps you move towards success faster. For instance, if your aim is to make more money this year, don’t plan to win a lottery, because you might not. Instead think of other practical ways that are within your grasp, like taking on a second job or starting your catering business.
Radical change is desirable but don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only radical change can make a difference, start a change from where you are. You also need to be very specific. Don’t just say “I want to meet new friends” that’s too vague. Go ahead and simplify it further into achievable goals that you can incorporate into your daily life, for instance, going for your community meetings, joining a unit in church, joining the poetry club are practical ways you can meet people.
Don’t Retreat, Don’t Surrender
Most of us think that we can change our lives if we have a strong willpower and try even harder this time around; well, it’s exceptionally hard to make life changes. Such revelation will hardly come as a surprise to those who make and break their resolutions every year. Change is not as easy as it sounds, imagine the confusion that will happen if you could just snap your finger and change instantly tomorrow. It takes time, commitment and discipline to achieve what we want.
It is also important to get all the right information and guidance you need in achieving your goals. If one of your goals is to life a more healthy life, then you might need to get information on how to live a healthy lifestyle and be committed to having regular medical checkups.
Make sure you are doing the right things. When lost, ask for directions, seek professional help if needed, it makes your task easier. No matter what you are experiencing you can find help somewhere. So whether it’s a problem at work, in your marriage, with your kids, or about some habit and addictions, don’t wait till when the things eats you up and gets out of control before you call out for help, it might be too late.
This year be persistent, don’t let go easily, don’t give in and don’t give up. Take a risk. Overcome a fear. Accomplish a task. Have faith in yourself. Remember that it is never too late to become what you want to be.
- By Shola Okubote
…When A Woman Ruled The World!
Posted on 17. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Life @ Work
If women rule the world, would everything really change, will the world be a better place for it? In ABC’s hit drama Commander in Chief, a woman rules the world! If you have ever tried to run across a damp grass with your high heels on, then you might have an idea of how tough it was for her to lead a troubled nation, it felt like she would sink the next minute, but then she kept coming out of every sinking hole and made it across the field.
The fictional character , President Mackenzie Allen is a typical representation of women who don’t wait to be given power, but rather stand up and go get what they want, especially in an enabling environment.
With her strategic decision making skills and her strong emotional intelligence she showed us that women hold the control to their emotions even when in a position of leadership. They know when to consult their feminine instincts and when to totally override them. If you are already imagining a not-too-distant future in which increasing numbers of women reach the top ranks of politics and business, here are few practical and relevant tips you can go away with from President Mackenzie Allen, for your excellence as you climb up the ladder.
Be Assertive
It has often been said that women need to learn how to stoop to conquer, but seriously there are times when you can only win the battle when standing on your feet! Know that passiveness rarely get things done, let people know where you stand on issues and don’t hesitate to voice your concerns and disagreements. A woman who is confident in who she is, is able to communicate that to others in her words and most importantly, her actions. It’s not about being aggressive, but the ability to communicate clearly to others in a way that is both assertive and respectful at the same time.
Be Supportive
Being a great leader is not just about showing your superiority in things, rather it would be a wise idea for you to give constant direction for your team and provide them with the resources to achieve their goals with ease. Always ensure you praise them when the job is well done and criticize when needed. If you wish for any job to be well done, you need to approach the matter professionally if the work is not really up to your expectations.
Be Sensitive
Leaders should be willing and able to show their emotions when appropriate and must be sensitive to the need of the people you they work with. You must be able to communicate, influence, initiate change and accept change. Also your senses must be at alert always, if you smell a rat, set a trap, and if you see a rising tide, stack the sandbags.
Be Proactive
Being proactive means taking conscious control over your life, setting goals and working to achieve them. Instead of reacting to events and waiting for opportunities, you go out and create your own events and opportunities. Being proactive means that instead of merely reacting to events as they happen, you consciously engineer your own events. Don’t wait till when the world will give you opportunities, stand up, go out and create one for yourself!
Be Creative
Creativity is an essential tool for a leader, it involves using your imagination extensively to constantly invent, experiment and take risks for your eventual growth . By using your imagination you can generate and evaluate different options and alternatives available before making a final decision on any issue.
Be Intuitive
After considering everyone’s opinion, let your internal compass guide you. Intuition has often been undermined as a valuable woman’s trait, but many women have found it to be a valuable way of making decision. Intuition is receiving input and ideas without knowing exactly how and where you got them from, it often happens when you are highly focus on the activity at hand. It might be as a result of the interplay of the knowledge you have gathered about the activity and the universe trying to tell you something.
Be Effective
Don’t just be all talk and no action, devise ways to achieve your goals and get all the resources you will need to make the change you desire to occur. You need to develop the ability to think straight, see past stifling conventional wisdom and develop fact-based insight.
Being effective also requires being good with people, having the ability to stir, influence, and change people. Almost everything in life worth accomplishing involves being effective with people, it plays a huge role in fulfilling our life vision and achieving our goals, from finding the perfect job to finding the perfect mate; from negotiating a deal on a major purchase to running a company or providing for a family.
Be Reflective
No matter how tight your schedule is, find a peaceful and private time to be alone with yourself. Spend time alone to refuel your spirit, think, meditate, pray, and escape from the stress of daily life.
Re-assure yourself of your life goals and what you want to achieve, you will sure feel refreshed and energized ready to face your daily life with inner joy. Carving out time for a ‘quiet time’ can seem an unattainable luxury, yet it is within our grasps if we really want it, taking care of your soul is a basic human need and not a luxury.
© Femme Lounge
29 Things You Should Do This Year!
Posted on 05. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Essence
This Year, forget huge easy-to-break New Year’s resolutions and think about small steps toward a more well-rounded you. Maybe what you need isn’t the drastic change you’ve always planned for, but finding meaning in seemingly insignificant activities that can instill freshness into your hectic and nerve-racking lifestyle.
Focus on these priceless moments with immense passion and have a new perspective to life. Some of them will need planning, others will only take a few hours out of your day, but at the end of the year, when you look back at all you’ve accomplished, it will be worth it.
29. Attend a funeral. It has a way of reminding us that life in finite, and tells us we should treasure every moment we have on earth.
28. Bath under a waterfall, climb a mountain, or drive through a game reserve. Whatever you do make sure you see nature at its best, like you have never done before.
27. Be the answer to someone’s prayer and a solution to someone’s problem. Guide the lost stranger, feed the poor, teach the ignorant, serve a sick person breakfast in bed, and maybe give your maid a day off.
26. Do you have a favorite author, designer, actor or musician? Write a fan letter to all your favorites and send it to them. Some will get it, some never will.
25. Face your Fears. If you hate crowd then by all means go to a stadium, if you are afraid of having all eyes on you then go to sing at a karaoke bar, and if you are afraid of teddy bears, go to bed with twenty! You will discover that Fear is really what it is – False Evidence Appearing Real!
24. Find a reason to throw a party and invite everyone you really want to be there, it could be to celebrate your birthday, or even your break up, or just because it’s another Friday! Have fun being celebrated.
23. Find your passion and be involved in a cause. Donate your time, money or even blood. Volunteer with organizations working in that field and help spread the word too.
22. Forgive someone. Make a deliberate decision to forgive someone that had hurt you in the past, let go of your pain and bitterness, whether the person is sober or not.
21. Have a junk food day! Spend a whole day eating all the junk food you love without feeling guilty.
20. Keep a gratitude journal. Don’t be carried away by your never ending to do lists. Take time out to count your blessings and be grateful to life for every progress you make
19. Learn not to say yes when you what you want to say is really no. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
18. Learn something new. Salsa dance, how to make apple pie or even how to speak Spanish. Add a new knowledge to yourself and meet other people who share the same interest.
17. Love yourself, Love others too. Don’t hold back all you can give and be to yourself and to others. Love without fear.
16. Listen to elderly people’s story of what life was like when they were younger; let them tell you about their regrets and victories, and what they would do differently if they have a new shot at life.
15. Make a collection of everything you love in a scrap book. Insert picture of your favorite actress, your favorite chocolate wrapper, a ribbon from your old sexy lingerie and even your favorite bible passage.
14. Make a list of all those who have touched your live positively and you will be really surprised how long the list could be. Send them a mail, a text or postcards to appreciate them.
13. Make friends with children, learn to communicate with them and understand what makes them tick. Experience what life is like in their world of possibilities.
12. Make new friends and stay in touch with old ones. Get connected with a childhood friend that you haven’t seen in a long time and visit her.
11. Plant a flower or vegetable, in a garden, at your backyard or in a jar. Nurse it and watch how it changes from a seedling to a full grown plant.
10. Put on your best clothes, have a makeup done on you and have a photo shoot. You know how you admire models in magazines and try out different poses in front of a mirror? Now go do it without inhibitions, express yourself before a camera.
9. Reflect on your greatest weakness, and your greatest strength and how they can make you a better person.
8. Re-visit your favorite childhood books, movies and music. What really made you tick when you were younger?
7. Send a message to an unknown person. Write something, put it in a bottle, close it and throw it in the ocean, hoping someone, someday will get it.
6.Sleep under the stars. When was the last time you look at the sky and marvel at the beauty? Spend a night looking at the stars and sleep off while admiring the sky.
5. So what if you get lost? You will find you way again! Throw the map out and go on a drive in an area near you that you don’t know well, explore the area and figure out how it’s all connected till you find your way again.
4. Spend a day at the beach with your loved ones. Run, swim, eat, laugh and build an elaborate sand castle.
3. Spice up your sexual life. Take a break from the old routines. Try out new and daring things in your sexual life.
2. Take a vacation from the world. Switch off your phones, log off the internet, and spend time alone with yourself doing the things you love.
1. Talk to God. You might not fully understand the role He plays in your life, or what He really expects from you, maybe it’s time to unravel the mystery, talk to Him and listen to Him.
Written by Shola Okubote. First Published by Naija Times , January 2010
