Will You Ever Tell Them?
Posted on 01. Aug, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Connections
A few days ago, I came across the Facebook page of an old school mate who passed on rather suddenly last year. His page was still kept active by his incredibly strong wife. And as I read the messages on his wall- I was convinced that he had made such a huge impact in the lives of people around him…..and then I wondered: Did he know he made such an impact when he was alive? Something tells me he did- but I questioned, what if he didn’t?
As I pondered on this, I remembered attending the funeral of a friend last year who also had passed away suddenly and played back the amazing things everyone said about her- her positiveness, her ever present smile, her great presence…..and then I wondered: Did she ever know how much of a difference her smile made?
I couldn’t help but bring this closer home; last year, I attended the funeral of a family member- my step mum to be specific. And at her Service of Songs, there was a call for anyone who had something to say about her, and of course I did – being one who’s never shy to take the microphone and say something that needs to be said. I spoke about how great she was, how she taught me to wash glass cups as a young woman, wash my Dad’s big bed sheets, helped me learn to debate intellectually the many times I sat with her after watching NTA 10 news as a 12 year old girl……and then I wondered: Did she know she contributed tremendously to the young woman I have become? Well I knew the answer to this one: NO! She didn’t, I had never told her!
And so I wonder: How many people have walked this same journey of mine and thought the same or perhaps wished they had said those amazing words?
To think how we sometimes feel the need to tell people how little we think of them when they wrong us! We justify it by saying: “I can’t keep it any longer, she needs to know….” Or we sound spiritual and say “…The Bible says, if you have anything against your brother, go and settle it” (paraphrased).
But then I ask myself; if only we were this passionate about telling people what they do or did right….
If only we were consumed by the desire to tell a friend that their encouraging words kept us going through tough times….
What a difference that would make…not just for us but for the recipient(s).
So I ask, not as someone who feels she has the audacity to tell you what to do but as a friend who knows how easy it is to overlook this little, yet so important act called APPRECIATION, that you pick up the phone; arrange the meeting; go on the visit; send the “thank you” card; send the text message; ping them on Blackberry; buzz them on Yahoo messenger; …..do whatever you need to do to let them know how much their kind acts or words have made a difference. Do it NOW, not later….because you just never know.
So please don’t wait till the next Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or your next wedding anniversary or their birthday- let them know now how much you appreciate them for everything they have done and still do….
So whether its:
- The Mother who chose not to abort you, or
- The Father who accepted you as his and stayed true, or
- The Woman/Man who is sharing a life with you
- The Brother who always looked out for your best interests, or
- The Sister who was always at the other end of the phone when that relationship with your ex failed, or
- The Friend who encouraged you when you lost your job, or
- The Buddy who put in a good word that eventually got you that job, or
- The Pastor who never gave up on you when you were a “growing Christian” or
- The Chemistry teacher who always believed in you, or
- The Professor who you know went the extra mile for you during your dissertation, or
- The Boss who showed you the ropes and taught you to be better at your job, or
- The Friend who believed in your dream even more than you did, or
- The Aunty whose love and affection for you helped build a positive self image, or
- The In-law who took you into his home when you first moved into that new city/town, or
- The Grandma who taught you to be a hardworking woman and never to quit, or
- The Grandfather who taught you what it meant to be a man, or
- The Friend who never let you settle when you thought you “had arrived” but kept pushing you forward, or
- The Colleague who let you have a go at that sales presentation in his place, giving you the opportunity to shine before top management, or
- The Uncle who told you to believe in your dreams and helped you set up your business, or
- The Cousin who always told you were a great photographer, and now you are a well established one, or
- The Ex-girlfriend who told you your writing skills were great and urged you to write more…and now you’re a leading columnist, or
- The Relative who gave you your first platform to speak publicly, and now you are a renowned Master of Ceremonies, or
- The Boyfriend who told you “you sing like a bird” and encouraged you to go for those singing lessons; and now your beautiful voice is what you’re known for, or…
The list is endless, but the message is precise: Someone somewhere contributed to the success that you are today. Do they know?
So go on, call these people and let them know how valuable they are, for indeed the Yoruba adage that says “Ènìyàn l’aso ìbora mi” stands true. For my non-Yoruba speaking friends, it simply means “It is people that cover my nakedness”
Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude.
If you have been inspired by this, then please spread the word, forward on to your friends, click the “share” tab to post on your profile and share with your family and friends…..and let’s start “The Revolution of Appreciation”
Writer – Temitope Olonilua is a passionate person who loves people, shopping and helping people look good. She runs Teeloni’s, an outfit that is into Personal Shopping, Image Styling, Gift Services and Special Events – www.teeloni.com
Do You Wish You Could Go Back In Time?
Posted on 24. Jul, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Connections
There was once a girl who had a secret about her past. It haunted her day and night, sometimes she cried herself to sleep. She had been dating this wonderful guy at the office for nine months, and she was dreading the day he would find out about this secret. It made her ill with worry and she was often sad and depressed. The weight of the guilt was heavy on her, so much so, that she stopped enjoying the present. She began to dwell in the past, reliving her mistakes over and over, worrying and beating herself up over it.
One day, her manager at work found her crying. He called her and asked her what was wrong. Faced with a person who showed concern about her welfare, she finally told him. She had an eight-year old son that nobody knew about. He lived with her mother in a different town and she saw him once a month. The reason she was so upset was that she regretted her mistakes, but she was worried about what her new boyfriend would say or do when he finds out.
Her manager, who was a wise man, asked her a few questions:
Do you regret your past? She said yes.
Do you wish you could go back in time to do things differently? She nodded.
Can you actually go back and change things? She paused for a moment. Then she shook her head.
Is there any way that the mistake would go away? She said no.
Do you realise that while you are hung up about the past, your present and future happiness is slipping away? She paused to reflect on this.
If you cannot change the outcome of your past mistakes, don’t you think it’s time to stop beating yourself up over it? That had not occurred to her.
If you like this guy and you think he likes you too, the best thing you can do is to be honest with him. That way you will be right with yourself. It is a risk, but the result is that no matter what happens, you have let go of the guilt and fear that is holding you back.
She thanked her manager and left his office. Later that evening, she summoned up the courage to tell her boyfriend about her son. To her surprise, he was not upset. In fact, he was delighted to hear that she had a child because he recently found out that he couldn’t have children. The next weekend, they went to visit her mother together. All her worries, fears and anxieties melted away when she saw her boyfriend and her son getting along so well together. By the time they were leaving, her son was sad to see them go, and he asked when her boyfriend could come and visit again. It was a step forward. She didn’t need to worry about her secret anymore.
* * * * *
Now this story is fiction, but I wanted to highlight a few lessons that I’ve learnt recently. One is about dwelling in the past. We all have chapters in our lives that we wish we would erase or re-write. It’s part of life, part of growing up, part of learning who we are. I’ve had to learn to let my past go. I cannot change it, I cannot undo it. And the more I dwelt on it, I found out that it was a heavy burden, sapping my energy, draining the joy of my present, and blocking me from moving on with my future. If this applies to you, I would urge you to take another look at the issue. The past is gone; there is nothing you can do to change what happened. What you can change however, is your attitude. You have to forgive yourself of the mistakes and stop beating yourself over it. You have to deal with the guilt by admitting that you did something wrong, but God will forgive you if you ask Him to. And once you have learnt from the mistake, you can move ahead with your life, knowing that you are a better and wiser person for it.
Another lesson I’ve learnt is sharing my burdens. Some of us pretend that we’ve got it all together, and we don’t need help. We give people an illusion that we have no problems, no weaknesses and no struggles. Yet, we are crumbling under the weight of problems on the inside. We need to stop trying to pretend like we know-it-all and be humble enough to ask for help when we are struggling. Nobody is perfect, nobody knows everything. If you ask for help, it doesn’t make you a weak person; it makes you a wise person.
And finally: honesty. I’ve been told that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes I’m still surprised by the truth in it. I find that, when I come clean and admit my mistakes, people don’t judge me half as bad as I judge myself. Sometimes I’ve been struggling with an issue for months, and finally when I discuss it with hubby, the problem seems to shrink in size to almost nothing. I’ve realised that it’s okay to admit to yourself and your husband that you have weaknesses, fears, doubts and struggles. That’s what is meant by “naked and not ashamed”. You should be comfortable enough with each other to share each other’s struggles, and find solutions together. That’s why he or she is there to support you.
Sometimes I feel quite silly for trying to bear my struggles alone. I think that sometimes, the last person we listen to is our spouse. When we have a problem, we assume we can pray about, or share with a friend, or seek help elsewhere. All of which are good, but they can also be tactics to try and cover up who we are with our spouse. It’s a slippery road; once you start hiding things from your spouse or significant other, you start building a wall between you. And the longer it goes on, the higher that wall becomes. When all we need can just simply be: come clean; admit we have a weakness and we can then work together to find a solution as a couple.
If we reflect on these things, we find that it is fear and pride that holds us back. Fear blows our issues out of proportion, such that, in our minds, we feel we are going to get judged by everyone else. Pride prevents us from admitting that we are not perfect, and we need other people to help us. But what sweet relief we get; when we do confront our fears and swallow our pride. We find peace.
Writer - Tolulope Popoola is a writer and a blogger. She blogs at InMyDreamsItWasSimpler
Photo Credit -Stockbyte
Asake, Apeke & Amoke: Who Is A Thief?
Posted on 08. May, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Connections
Asake: hey babes!
Apeke: what’s up? you are really late today
Asake: yeah, I went to Tare’s office after work.
Amoke: and who is the dude that just gave you a passionate goodnight kiss downstairs?
Asake: you pokenosers! how did you see that?
Apeke: we were peeping through the window!
Asake: that is Tare, he is the guy I have been talking about for one month.
Amoke: he is good looking and looks well loaded too going by his Mercedes Benz R Class, it seems you are finally in good hands my friend!
Apeke: why didn’t he come inside? You should have let us meet him and say hi, don’t you want to show of your gorgeous flat mates?
Asake: he was in a hurry to go home to his sick baby. Don’t worry you will meet him at my birthday next weekend.
Apeke: sick baby? Is he a single dad?
Amoke: or a married man?
Asake: he is married but we love each other.
Apeke: forget it girl, dating a married man never ends well.
Amoke: says who? says who?
Asake: honestly, I am confused too but he said he doesn’t love his wife, that had he met me before he got married he would have chosen me..
Apeke: ha! forget it! that is one lie they all tell!
Amoke: are you saying he doesn’t love her? apeke you can’t say that for sure, he might be an exception to the rule.
Apeke: love is not the point here, for Christ sakes he is married!
Asake: he said he has never been in love till he met me, he believes I am his soul mate.
Apeke: all these in just one month of meeting him? And you believe him?
Asake: well, I love him too much to doubt what he says
Apeke: is he planning to leave his wife for you?
Asake: he’s only been married for two years and his wife just had a baby, so he can’t divorce her now, he said I should give him some time.
Amoke: I hope he is taking good care of you financially sha o! If you can’t have all of him you should at least have his money.
Asake: well he is trying, he works with an oil company and he has even promised to help me get a better job
Amoke: good!
Apeke: amoke! why are you so determined to mislead a fellow flat mate?
Amoke: msheww! apeke you are so naïve! How can you tell her to leave a man who loves her and takes care of her? What have all her single boyfriends given her but heartbreaks? The last one even ran away with her money!
Apeke: that is because she is so gullible to men’s lies and she is about to make the same mistake again.
Asake: abeg stop fighting because of me; I am having a nice time in my relationship o!
Amoke: my dear this is 2010 use what you have to get what you want. I support you.
Apeke: at what cost? Amoke, everything is not about money and you really have to know that at some point in your life
Amoke: well this is about money, love, security, maturity, good look……….all coming from one man!
Asake: I have never loved a man like this before in life, it’s just so unfair that he is married and I can’t have him all to myself
Amoke: its destiny, not everywoman will have a man of her own, some are destined to share other women’s husband, it is destiny and there is nothing you can do about it
Apeke: hehehehe, amoke you will not kill me o! Your old wives fables are so filthy.
Amoke: sorry o, madam goody too good!
Apeke: so tell me, how will you feel if someone is sharing you own husband?
Amoke: when we get to that bridge we will cross it.
Apeke: exactly what I expected you to say, stop deceiving yourself amoke, what is bad is bad.
Amoke: Asake, abeg follow your heart jare, if it leads you to be his mistress then by all means be his mistress.
Asake: he loves me a lot, I can see it in his eyes, the way he talks to me, and treats me with affection and care, but I am really confused. I want a man I can call my own, that I can dream of living happily ever after with.
Amoke: there is no gain without pain my dear, just focus on the big picture
Apeke: I know you love him, I can see it your eyes that you do
Amoke: yet you tell her to leave him, you contradict yourself girl!
Apeke: amoke can you just shut up for a while, I beg you in God’s name!
Apeke: in this kind of relationship we all know love is not enough, i don’t think you should close your eyes and conscience to this looming disaster.
Asake: you said love is not enough? with love we can work things out and overcome the barriers on our way, its just a matter of time
Apeke: let me ask you a question, and you too amoke.
Amoke: there goes the preacher!
Apeke: a poor man needs money to pay for his daughter’s school fees, so he takes up a gun and comes to your house, takes all your hard earned valuables to pay for his daughters school fees.
He stole to safe his child from illiteracy, that is surely justified?
Amoke: why is he denying other people of their hard earned valuables to safe his own daughter, that is selfish. i think he should go and work hard to make money to cater for his family instead of stealing.
Asake: it is wrong to take what doesn’t belong to you, no matter the excuse.
Amoke: so what is the head and tail of your story?
Apeke: asake is just like that theif!
Asake: say what?
Apeke: no matter how much you need or love a married man, it is wrong for you to have him because he belongs to another woman. Whatever excuse you give can never be justified, as long as he is married to another woman, you should not have him.
Asake: remember he was the one who asked me out first, i didn’t go chasing him
Apeke: yeah, you can’t change him from being an unfaithful bastard, but you can choose not to be the thief he cheats with.
Asake: I am even more confused now
Apeke: its not complicated, just think about it with your church mind, the world will be a better place if we all use our church minds.
Apeke: amoke? won’t you say something?
Amoke: hmmnnn! no comments, I am asleep.
Apeke: exactly what i thought you would say.
© Femme Lounge
Photo Credit: Jennifer Borton
Women! Do We Hate Each Other?
Posted on 12. Apr, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Connections
I attended church on one fine Sunday morning. I had been invited to that particular church by a friend. It was just after I left my own church. Yes, I left my own church for the simple reason that a newly married man was making passes at me. He sent me innumerable unanswered messages for a period of two months (plus). I didn’t want to stop attending the church. I don’t run and I don’t quit! However, I was advised to, for fear that if the cat was finally let out of the bag, I would be found guilty. After all, I am single, and a woman. I would naturally be found to be desperate and guilty… so I left. I left my own church and attended a friend’s church on this fine Sunday morning.
In church, a woman was to preach and I was excited about it. It was ‘Women’s Week’ and I am a feminist. On approaching the podium, she took her time to list the changes women had to make to be better wives, better women. God wanted that for us, she said.
- We must look good always.
- We must ensure our husbands look good always.
- We must cook for our husbands.
- We must respect our husbands.
- We must not deny our husbands ‘in bed’.
- We must look after the home.
- We must look after the children.
- We must respect and regard our in-laws.
- We must be diligent at work.
- We must appreciate that men are the way they are and learn to deal with them.
- We must
- We must…
She then said to the men,
- Be patient with your wives.
- Love them.
- Care for them.
She did not elaborate on the kind of love and care husbands ought to show their wives. She assumed that they understood already. She overestimated men’s understanding of care and love while carefully explaining it to women.
As a result, I got angry. I looked forward to question time if there was going to be one so that I could express my distaste but there wasn’t one so I went home in anger and stayed there! Why was I angry? I was reminded of the immensity of pressure on women even by women. I ask women, do we hate each other? Our to-do list is so long yet we only plead with men to ‘be nice’. If they listen to our plea, oh joy! If not, we MUST deal with it. They say it’s their nature…
What nature? Men, it has to stop! Your so called nature is not getting you, us, and the family circle very far! Some of you are good however this goes out to those of you who aren’t… you know who you are!
You too can look good always!
You can cook!
You can take no for an answer while we are in bed without necessarily going outside to get some!
You can look after the home!
You can look after the children!
You can respect and regard your in-laws!
You can remain diligent at work while doing all of these… and
You can appreciate women and learn to deal with us too!
It’s a 50-50 thing! It really must be for it to work …for it to be enjoyable! Let’s break the mould… together! God will be pleased.
Image – gettyimages
Writer – Éjire
Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
Posted on 15. Nov, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Connections
Kate meet James when she joined a new Accounting Firm two years ago, James was her supervisor and the first time they met, he actually struck her as a bit shy and withdrawn. But a few months into their working relationship, something changed. James started warming up to her with special attention; she warmed up to him too. Soon their conversations turned from work related issues to easy banter about everything personal and later it became flirtation. They shared many similar things in common, and they soon became inseparable.
She convinced herself that she wasn’t doing anything wrong; after all they were not having sex. And couldn’t she have a friend who happened to be male? She also told her husband about him, even sharing when they would meet for lunch. Her husband, who is very busy with a demanding job and hardly spends enough time at home, trusted her completely and didn’t raise an eyebrow.
In the midst of working full time and caring for her two children, e-mailing and talking with James felt like an innocent escape. James was always a call away to encourage her and guide her through difficult times; they spend hours talking on the phone and chatting on the internet. She increasingly found herself sharing more and more of her goals and dreams with James and was withdrawing from her husband more and more. Her conversation with her husband became very casual and it became only about the children and general issues.
She started looking forward to her regular interactions with James in a way that was all too consuming, and never missed her husband when he wasn’t around. It was James not her husband who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in her life. She was having an emotional affair.
Emotional infidelity often starts when you share intimate details of your life with someone else apart from your partner. The person probably make you feel good and special and you like the feeling of affection you have when you are with them, you then begin to put the bulk of your emotions into the person’s hands.
The signs of an emotional infidelity may be more subtle than those of a sexual infidelity, and even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your relationship. When you save up your innermost thoughts, and interesting personal experiences to be spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse then you are doing your relationship harm and it’s not fair to your partner.
According to a relationship expert, emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated, Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to fill their space with someone else.
To avoid emotional affair it’s important to keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate life, find polite ways to stop your discussions from being too personal or intimate. Emotional affairs begin with personal discussions, and grow more intimate as time goes on.
Also, avoid regular, ongoing personal conversations with one particular person and watch who you talk to make sure you are not making deep emotional investments with the inappropriate person. It’s important to know that friendship with the opposite sex can become a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage, and also be careful of seemingly innocent actions such as dancing, kissing, or hugging members of the opposite sex
Be honest with yourself if you’re attracted to someone outside your marriage, be honest about the potential for an emotional affair and do something to stop it before it grows out of hand.
Emotional infidelity is rarely planned; it often arises from innocent friendships that went too far, that became too intimate.
Circle Of Friends
Posted on 12. Oct, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Connections
When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you’re going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you’re going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, ‘Let’s cry together,’
Another, ‘Let’s fight together,’
Another, ‘Let’s walk away together.’
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it’s wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.
Author Unknown
In Linda's Shoes
Posted on 28. Aug, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Connections
Pursuit of Happyness is certainly an inspiring movie. It featured Chris, a young family man under an intense financial pressure that was posing a threat to his chances in life, his relationship and the future of his son.
The story focused mainly on Chris’ rough path to eventual success, but I couldn’t help a zoom in on Linda, Chris’ partner (Girlfriend? Wife?), I had a minute thinking about the realities of her situation.
A flashback had shown her as a bright young woman ready to face the future with her man, but after years of struggling for survival from an unyielding investment, she became an aging, irksome and nagging partner.
She had a low paying job that was their major source of income, and she was desperate for change. A change that would make her leave her partner, in pursuit of a life that offers her better things in New York. It looked like a painful decision, but she made it.
She isn’t so much of a recommendable role model, you might say, but I think she is a good subject for an analysis.
I understand what it means to be in her shoes, I know young women who still wear them all round and believe me they aren’t Gucci made, these women have had to decide if their dreams would worth their goodbyes.
Overwhelming financial concerns sometimes create strains that affect the expression of our love as women, not always because we want to be materialistic or selfish, but because we innately desire all round stability in our relationships. (I think!)
The extent we can go to meet this need and the maturity at handling associated issues however differs.
Maybe opting out of such relationship is not often the best way, whether we choose another relationship that promises a better future or independently pursues our dreams like Linda. The truth is we often have to make choices that demand sacrifice.
The key question we should ask ourselves is ‘is it worth it?’
There may not be the desired financial buoyancy now, but can you see love, teamwork, focus, determination and an uphill struggle towards success and can you really hold up the faith for a breakthrough? If you are convinced, then you might just be on your way to success!
If you are not convinced, I guess you have to decide if you are ready for a lifetime of regrets and constant torment, from dreams deferred and denied, and only hope to be able to find self forgiveness someday. It’s entirely up to you!
Well Linda chose what would make her happy, she didn’t want her opportunity for a new life to be gone forever, for whatever reasons, she chose to say goodbye, whether it was worthwhile or not, I don’t know.
Maybe with a little patience they would have shared the victory together, maybe not. Maybe if she had stayed, he wouldn’t even have been driven so hard to be successful, maybe not.
And like a friend says, maybe after the financial breakthrough he wouldn’t even care about her again. (Hmmm!), I will still say maybe not.
Just my rambling you should say, after all it’s just a movie, my buts and ifs won’t alter the scripts, but the scripts really made me think.
Source: Femme Lounge Library
