You And Your Househelps!

Posted on 27. May, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

In recent weeks, I’ve been coming across some articles and blog posts that discuss the topic of housemaids, usually in negative situations. Those articles got me thinking about the way the vast majority of middle and upper class Nigerians treat their domestic staff – people like housemaids, gatemen,/security men, drivers, gardeners and so on. I discussed the issue with some friends last week and we all agreed that, in general, domestic staff in Nigeria are treated in an appalling way.

From what I’ve observed, they are treated like second-class citizens in the homes where they work. They often don’t share the same living quarters with the rest of the family. Or even if they share the property, they are given the worst spaces possible. They use a different set of utensils to eat, for some reason as if they are not worthy to use the same as the family they live with. They are often given cast-offs of the children’s clothes or the employer’s old and ragged clothes to wear.

They are spoken to in awful and demeaning ways. This is something I’ve observed over and over again. Sometimes I would visit a friend and she would be speaking with me nicely and politely, and then turn around to use a harsh and intimidating tone on her housemaid, and call her abusive names. I don’t understand it. Sure you can use a stern tone when you are giving instructions to an employee but is there a need for the constant stream of abuse? Would any of us take that kind of attitude from our managers at the office? Why do we think that they don’t have feelings, and they cannot be hurt by the terrible words we hurl at them? Is it fair? Doesn’t the bible say something about the way we use our tongues to praise God and curse our fellow human beings?

Which brings me to my next point. Domestic staff in Nigeria have little or no employment rights. They don’t have regular working hours, due to the nature of their work. But they also don’t get any benefits. They don’t have days off – they work all day, everyday. They don’t have holidays. They don’t have anything called a social life. They don’t get sick days off or sick pay. The best they get from oga or madam is some panadol. Often they don’t go to school and can’t learn any skill while they are working for their masters. I’m sure none of us professional ladies would ever imagine working for a company that didn’t give us any time off or holidays, or allow us any social life. We would protest those working conditions, but we give the same treatment to our own employees. I have even heard women complaining bitterly when it’s Christmas time, and their maid wants to take a couple of weeks off to go and visit her family. It’s like, she’s not human right? Why does she need time off to go and see her family? Never mind that madam has taken time off from her own job so that she can enjoy her own Christmas holiday. She just cannot cope for two weeks while her maid is away. Why are we so reliant on our maids that we cannot function without them?

Furthermore, the physical violence towards them is just… I don’t know. Women who won’t raise a hand to strike their own children seem to see no qualms in beating their maids to a pulp at the slightest offence. For some reason, the maid always deserves a beating whenever she makes a mistake, whereas their children do worse things, but they don’t get beaten. Why do we give a harsher treatment to our maids? Would any of us tolerate physical abuse at work? Why do we think it is okay to hit our domestic staff?

The funny thing is that these mistreatments are not limited to any type of woman. I have witnessed women from all spheres of life mistreating their domestic staff. Even women who should know better, like pastor’s wives, lawyers or human right’s activists. We can speak out against so many injustices in the world, but for some reason, we seem to turn a blind eye to the ones we do right under our nose. We can argue that we can’t trust them, they are rogues, thieves and what not. But for the amount of money they are paid, and the useful service they provide to us, most of our domestic staff don’t get treated well. So of course, they don’t have much of an incentive to behave properly. The irony is that, we maltreat our maids, and then leave our children and house in their care when we are not around. Shouldn’t we be worried that the treatment we mete out to them could be taken out on the children? I’m sure there are many innocent children who bear the brunt of the maid’s frustration because of the attitude she gets from her employers.

Then there are the really sad cases of rape and sexual abuse, when the man of the house decides that the maid’s body is his to do whatever he wants with. Usually the poor girl is caught between a rock and a hard place – forced to sleep with her boss and having no way of escape. I have read of cases where the oga impregnates the housemaid and when the madam heard about it, she was thrown out of the house and left at the mercy of fate. Who speaks for the rights of such victims?

Has anyone tried to put themselves in their maid’s shoes? Try to imagine it for a minute. You are a young girl of fourteen, forced to leave education because your family cannot afford it anymore. You are taken away from your family and sent to the city to work for a strange family. You could be scared, lonely, sad and homesick, but you have to put all those emotions aside and get on with it – this is now your fate. You have to endure working from sunrise to sunset every single day of the week for meager wages. If you are really lucky you will end up working for a nice family that will treat you well. But if not, you are treated harshly by everyone in the family – from the madam, to the oga, to the children. And you dare not complain. In fact, who will you complain to? Who will believe you, if you say your madam is mistreating you, or your oga is making sexual advances towards you? The best you can do is to run away. But where does that leave you? Out of a job, broke and lost in a big city. If you can even return home, your family will likely beat you for losing a source of income.

Food for thought.

I hope we can take a step back and re-evaluate the way we treat our housemaids and other domestic staff. They are people like us too, only trapped by the circumstances. That doesn’t justify anybody treating them with no respect or dignity. Let’s not forget that the way we treat others reflects back on us, and we will always reap what we sow. If we sow wickedness… well, it may very well come back to haunt us.

Instead, let’s try to sow a different seed – one of kindness. It may just be a few small changes we make everyday, but it would make a whole world of difference to the people we employ as our domestic staff. If you know your maid has been working flat out for weeks, give her a break from time to time. If you can see she needs new clothes, be kind enough to give her something new that you can afford. Do what you can to make her life better; not worse.

I would like to imagine a world where housemaids can point to the time they spent with their employers and say that those years were one of the best times of their lives. Some may try to take advantage of our kindness, but it shouldn’t matter. We should not be weary of doing good, just because someone once tried to take advantage of it.

Writer - Tolulope Popoola is a writer and she blogs at InMyDreamsItWasSimpler

Photo Credit -Stockbyte

How To Cope With The Loss Of Loved Ones

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

My brother was on the Sosoliso plane that crashed at Port-Harcourt International Airport on the 10^th of December 2005. He was only 13.

That Christmas was one Christmas I will never forget.

My brother was a star. A genius. He excelled in everything; academics, sports, socials, everything. Just like that his life was cut short, because of a failed system.

The days that followed were really hard. It felt so unreal, but one thing that was real was the pain. After the shock, disbelief and anger had worn off; we were left with the pain and sheer hopelessness of it all.

Slowly and surely, we rebuilt our lives, we worked through the pain and took everything one day at a time. I had to be strong for my parents, especially my mum and also for my siblings. It wasn’t easy, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and by the Grace of God, we are still standing and the worst is over.

Grief is defined as a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something you have formed a strong bond with. It can also be defined as, keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

Every day we read and hear about death, but it never seems real until it happens close to us. Death is the most unwelcome and unwanted visitor in the world, it comes in and snatches someone away, with no reason, no apologies and no explanations and just like that, they are gone.

Death leaves in its wake emotions like shock, disbelief, anger and terrible pain. I know this because I’ve been through it before.

No one prays for death, but it happens anyway.

Sometimes it happens suddenly, with no warning and sometimes it is expected (as in the case of the elderly or the terminally ill) and the loved ones of the deceased can prepare for the loss. This doesn’t mean that in latter case, the pain is less intense, but sometimes the preparation helps.

No matter the circumstance or situation, you have to keep on living.

So how do you cope? How do you move on and put your life back together?

Based on my own experience, here are a few steps that helped my healing process:

• ACCEPTING AND LETTING GO: This is perhaps, the hardest part. Coming to terms with their death is often very difficult, because we wish to hold on and hope that somehow, somewhere they are still alive.  But holding on only prolongs the grief. You have to accept and believe that they are gone, so that you can rebuild your life. This also means letting go of all the negative emotions; guilt, anger, resentment etc. The death of a loved one brings along a lot of guilt, it’s important to forgive yourself and realise that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

• HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM: It’s important to surround yourself with people. Not just anybody, but people who are there for you. People that pray for and with you. People that weep with you and are also strong for you. Those that encourage you to move on and take it all one step at a time. Stay away from insensitive people that make ignorant or hurtful remarks. You might want to be alone all the time and sometimes people get so wrapped up in their grief that they push everyone away, but it’s not the best. Increased solitude increases your chances of slipping deeper into depression.Allow yourself to be with people that cheer you up and take your mind off everything.

• TALK ABOUT IT: Remember you are not alone. Talk to someone. God, a friend or if you don’t feel comfortable pouring your heart out to someone who knows you, try talking with a grief counsellor or someone from your church or elsewhere, someone you are comfortable with.

• BUILD YOUR FAITH: After the death of my brother, the two things that helped the most were prayers and the Word of God. Reading the Bible really helped and scriptures like John 11:25 were like a balm to my wounded soul. The Word of God heals, restores, uplifts and gives us hope. It also helps you make sense of the tragedy.Also reading Christian books on death, life after death etc, encouraged me.

• CELEBRATE THEIR LIFE: Celebrate everything about their life, who they were, what they stood for, and their dreams. Everything.

Finally, there is no formula for coping with loss. Everybody is different and we all react differently, the important thing is getting your life back together and moving on.

Writer: Omada Okpe

A Tale of Two Blouses

Posted on 17. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

Marketplaces aren’t particularly one of my favorite spots so having to wait for someone in a very busy one left me uneasy and very impatient. While pacing up and down restlessly, I noticed two gorgeous blouses in a small boutique that seems to be at a locational disadvantage.

I moved closer and took a better look at the blouses, both were pink with lovely details, but the first one seems perfect. It will be a pretty match for an idle skirt I hadn’t put to much use, and the size was so rightly 10.

I took a look into my bag, at what seems to be the most important factor in getting the blouse, I had more than enough loose money to get it!

Shouldn’t I go for it? For a long while, and quite unnecessary as well, I stood there admiring the two blouses and I thought to myself even if the first one was not there, the second would have also been lovely for me .

After taking my sweet time to hesitate, ponder, analyze, and admire I started walking towards the boutique, a few steps away from the shop, I was flabbergasted at what I saw.

A lady walked towards the shop took the blouses off the hanger and went in, of course to fit them! She paid for the two and left!

The two! Not even the second best was left?

Well, the ‘get up’ ring from my alarm clock denied me the end of the story too, there sure was nothing tangible I could do in the dream world.

Try as hard as I might to drop it into the ‘‘it’s just a dream” trashcan, it followed me around all through the day like a nagging wife, determined to prick on my conscience till I accepted I needed to make a change.

I didn’t have to think too far to understand its message, I knew exactly where the old, ugly shoes itch. In clear words – PROCRASTINATION!

Pursuing what I desire out of life is certainly not by wishing and admiring but in getting up and running either like a lion would towards its prey or like a gazelle away from its predator.

I knew it was time to run! To allow my dreams take a leap out of the pages of my journal into reality. Like someone said, to think too much about doing something maybe its undoing, procrastination is opportunity’s natural killer.

So step up, step out and do what you gotta do!

How To Walk Your Talk

Posted on 17. Jan, 2010 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

New Year is the only holiday that celebrates the passage of time and gives us hope for newness. That’s why, as the final seconds of the year tick away, we look back to the past with introspection, and also look forward to the New Year with new expectations. We look within and without to reflect on the changes we want and make solemn resolve to follow through.

Have you made plans to kick bad habits and start a new life this year? Well, before you pour the champagne on ice and jump on the wagon with your new resolutions, these are three things you need to know in order to achieve your New Year plans, and walk your talk!

The Change You Need.

Achieving your New Year resolutions might not be as easy as the campaign slogan goes, if you can’t separate the change you need from the change other people want for you. If getting married is one of your goals this year just because your Mama wants it, then it is very likely that it will not be achieved.

Aim for things that are truly important to you, not what you think you ought to do or what others expect of you. For instance, if you are healthy and comfortable with your weight, don’t include weight loss on your to do list because everybody else is doing it, or if you know you are not financially ready for a new house don’t resolve to buying one.

Don’t be caught up striving so hard to do the impossible while you neglect the most important things. If you keep making and breaking a particular resolution, then maybe you should consider deleting it entirely. Put your energy toward making the changes that are both realistic and useful. Don’t let an unfulfilled resolution to lose twenty pounds or to buy a beach house block you from making other, smaller resolutions that might give you a big boost in life.

Think Small

You have heard that it pays to think big. Well, not all the time. If you are serious about achieving your goals this year then you have to learn to see the beauty in small things.

Breaking down large goals into smaller achievable goals helps you move towards success faster. For instance, if your aim is to make more money this year, don’t plan to win a lottery, because you might not. Instead think of other practical ways that are within your grasp, like taking on a second job or starting your catering business.

Radical change is desirable but don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only radical change can make a difference, start a change from where you are. You also need to be very specific. Don’t just say “I want to meet new friends” that’s too vague. Go ahead and simplify it further into achievable goals that you can incorporate into your daily life, for instance, going for your community meetings, joining a unit in church, joining the poetry club are practical ways you can meet people.

Don’t Retreat, Don’t Surrender

Most of us think that we can change our lives if we have a strong willpower and try even harder this time around; well, it’s exceptionally hard to make life changes. Such revelation will hardly come as a surprise to those who make and break their resolutions every year. Change is not as easy as it sounds, imagine the confusion that will happen if you could just snap your finger and change instantly tomorrow. It takes time, commitment and discipline to achieve what we want.

It is also important to get all the right information and guidance you need in achieving your goals. If one of your goals is to life a more healthy life, then you might need to get information on how to live a healthy lifestyle and be committed to having regular medical checkups.

Make sure you are doing the right things. When lost, ask for directions, seek professional help if needed, it makes your task easier. No matter what you are experiencing you can find help somewhere. So whether it’s a problem at work, in your marriage, with your kids, or about some habit and addictions, don’t wait till when the things eats you up and gets out of control before you call out for help, it might be too late.

This year be persistent, don’t let go easily, don’t give in and don’t give up. Take a risk. Overcome a fear. Accomplish a task. Have faith in yourself. Remember that it is never too late to become what you want to be.

-       By Shola Okubote

32 Things Women Are Afraid Of

Posted on 05. Dec, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

According to the American Psychiatric Association, a phobia is an irrational and excessive fear of an object or situation. In most cases, the phobia involves a sense of endangerment or a fear of harm. This list offers a glimpse at the phobias that are especially particular to women and can have a serious impact on their lives. These are just few of the over 500 phobias that has been identified!

What Are You Afraid of?

• Achluophobia – Fear of darkness.

• Agraphobia – Fear of sexual abuse.

• Androphobia – Fear of men.

• Anuptaphobia – Fear of staying single.

• Arsonphobia – Fear of fire.

• Bibliophobia is the fear of books

• Cacophobia – Fear of ugliness.

• Chrematophobia is the fear of money

• Decidophobia is the fear of making decisions

• Eleutherophobia is the fear of knowledge

• Gamophobia – Fear of marriage.

• Genophobia – Fear of sex.

• Gerascophobia – Fear of growing old

• Glossophobia is the fear of speaking in public

• Hypegiaphobia is the fear of responsibility

• Kakorrharphobia is the fear of failure or defeat

• Lockiophobia – Fear of childbirth.

• Mechanophobia is the fear of machines

• Melanophobia – Fear of the color black.
• Necrophobia – Fear of death or dead things.

• Ophidiophobia – Fear of snakes

• Opthalmophobia is the  fear of being stared at

• Peniaphobia is the  fear of poverty

• Pentheraphobia – Fear of mother-in-law

• Phabdophobia  is the fear of being severely punished or criticized

• Pocresophobia – Fear of gaining weight

• Quatophobia is the fear of being an insignificant and worthless person

• Socialphobia is the fear of social situations

• Venustraphobia – Fear of beautiful women.

• Wiccaphobia is the fear of witches

• Xenophobia  is the fear of foreigners

• Zeusophobia  is the fear of God or gods

On the causes of phobia, latest studies show that there is likely a complex interaction of factors including genetics, brain chemistry, environmental triggers and learned behavior. Treatment ranges from the use of self help advice to seeing therapists

For a longer list of phobias, the causes and treatment please go to the sites below

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/phobias/DS00272

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Phobias/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Your Sin is Bigger Than Mine!

Posted on 10. Oct, 2009 by Lounge Lady in Everyday Living

Even her prison cell could testify to her remorse, she spoke few words, and threw no tantrums, instead she prayed for forgiveness all day. She believed she deserved a decade of isolation and restraints, so she made no fuss about it, she had no countdowns pasted on the wall, and she had no secret wish for clemency.

Abigail Thompson once had it all together, being a catholic nun was all she knew how to do, and she did it with all her might. She spoke no evil, saw no evil, touched no evil and heard no evil. How can one human possibly build such a resistance against the depravity of these times?

But, you know, evil is like a bully that has been dared, when you slam the door, it will bang on the window, when you latch the window, it will go to the rooftop. It never gave up on Abigail until it found an entrance into her life through one of her students – a fourteen year old.

Lust hacked Abigail’s morality code and her virtuous fortress crashed.  Her dam of emotions broke and she couldn’t have a hold on herself until she fondled the teenager; who did not resist, complain or report to anyone afterwards. It happened once.

Abigail’s secret was safe with the teenager, but her own conscience abhorred such things, she had contaminated her spirit and had no peace until she went ahead to confess her sins. Her confession didn’t earn her forgiveness; it landed her in jail for ten years and christened her new fiery names – child molester, sex offender, and pervert.

A prison guard spat dirty words on her and called her a pervert. The same prison guard cheats on her husband and sells heroin to inmates.

A chaplain looked at her with disgust and hoped she would find no forgiveness from God. The same chaplain showed mercy to another hardened criminal who just gorged out the eyes of another man.

A fellow prisoner asked Abigail angrily, “how could you rob that innocent child of his innocence?’’ The same prisoner is serving a life sentence for the murder of many people.

Did you call them hypocrites? Pot calling Kettle black? Well, that’s what I thought too.

But aren’t we all hypocrites sometimes?

We call our boss “bitch” for being mean, yet we spit degrading words on our house helps,

We tag another woman a bad mom though our own children are spinning out of control,

We say homosexuals will rot in hell but we accept adultery as a norm; though it breaks heart, homes and lives,

We feast on the distress of others, ignoring the awful mess in our own lives.

When we fail to take a closer look at our lives before judging others, when we talk about the speck in someone else’s eyes though we have a log in our own eyes, when we lack objectivity and reality in dealing with other people’s life issues,  what we say circuitously is “Your Sin is Bigger Than Mine”.

Writer – Shola Okubote